Isn't this wonderful??

I don't know what's going on, but I'm not feeling great. All I want to do it cry. I feel alone. I want the holidays to be over. My apartment isn't lived in and it makes me cry.

I'm going to my parents tomorrow to type up recipes for our Christmas present. I have to go early and be back at my apartment by 2 because the UPS guy is suppose to drop off Cain's Christmas present (I got him a WoW beer stein, along with Brutal Legend for XBox360).

It's 5 days until Christmas and I feel like crap.

In your eyes

What do you do when you look in the mirror and don't like what you see? This has been on my mind a lot lately. I see things about myself that I don't like. I know I need to change them and I really want to. It just feels like there is somethig stopping me. I keep thinking about the me I am now and how people react to me. It's not good. I get picked on a lot because of how I treat people. It makes me feel horrible. Do people really see me that way? Am I really that girl? I feel like if I try to change, be better, people will compare me to how I use to be, that they won't believe me.

I'm not in the holiday spirit. I want these two weeks (winter break for schools) to go by very fast.

I'm treating myself to some hair products and a book (Knitting for Dummies) on Monday. My Christmas gift to myself. Hopefully it will help me feel a little better.

I need to get out of this funk. I hate this so much.

Back so soon

I know I just posted a few minutes ago, but oh well.

As the year comes to a close and the new year is within reach, I can't help but think all I things I want to do in the new year. I always make a resolution that I NEVER keep. I actually want to keep one, if not all of them, this year. I guess I just had to put that out there because I've heard it helps to have support. So, support, I'm letting you know now, I WILL NEED IT LOL.

I will post my resolutions as the time gets closer.

A lot on my mind

About a week about, my friend said she wanted to start a Bible study group. It sounded interesting, at least to just see what it's like. Tonight, we had our first meeting. There were just three of us there because the three other ladies had plans. Tonight, we just talked about how we wanted things to go. We talked about reading a few chapters a week then going over them the next week; we also talked about having topics to talk about. I learned about a book entitled The Message. From what I understand, it helps you understand the Bible if you are having trouble with the language. I'm glad I decided to come. I guess we are searching and looking for something deeper to believe in, to ground ourselves in. I've always wanted to read and truly understand the Bible.

I was baptized Roman Catholic. Growing up, we did not attend church. I did not have my first communion until I was 14. While there are things I do not agree with in the Catholic church, I like the structure it gives me. A few years ago, I read The Secret. A must read, if you haven't already. It's about sending good vibes out in the Universe and letting it come back to you, living in the now, being happy with yourself today and so forth. I have read a few more books like that. I have become interested in Buddhism. I've wanted to learn more about it. I like the thought of living in the here and now, of being present. I don't think I am very present in my life at the moment. I'm all over the place.

I'm at a crossroads with this. I like the structure of the Catholic church, and I like going to church (though I haven't been in a VERY long time). I'm not a conservative. I don't agree with all the teachings of the Catholic church. I just don't know where to go with this. I don't know where I identify religiously.

Anyone have any advice?

Get up and move your hips

Yes, I said it: Move. Your. Hips.

That is what I, and other lovely ladies, are doing at Oasis Belly Dance Studio here in Lafayette, LA. Check out the website at www.oasisbellydance.com. It's so much fun.

I decided to start belly dancing because a few of my friends do it and it seemed like fun. I signed up for Beginner 1 with Dayna on Monday nights. After my first class, all I wanted to do was cry. Why, you ask? Didn't you just say it was fun? Yes, I did. I soon learned that it's not just about moving your hips and arms. It's about getting in touch with yourself, about loving your body. Now, I'm not completely in love with myself, but I'm slowly learning to be. We completed our last class last Monday. I signed up to take Beginner 2 next semester, starting Feb. 1st. I cannot tell you how much I'm looking forward to class starting.

In our last two classes, we learned a dance. We learned the dance with no veil but Dayna sent us a video of the dance with a veil. I want to learn it with the veil. Next Tuesday, they are having student night at Zeus Cafe. Students in the advanced levels have to perform as part of their class. I'm going with a group of friends, and hopefully my sister, to eat great food, watch great dancing and maybe even get up there myself haha. We'll see about that one.

If you don't live around the Lafayette area, check into belly dancing whererver you may be. It is a lot of fun.

To knit or not to knit.....

....that is the question

My anwser: knit on!!

I was introduced to knitting by a client at the vet clinic I use to work at. I am so happy I was. Lafayette has a great knitting shop, Yarn Nook. They are a wonderful bunch of laides that I am very happy getting to know. Stop by the website and read more about them.

If you don't live around here, stop by your local knit shop and see what they have to offer.

It is such a great stress relief. I hope you find the same joy in it that I do.

Happy knitting!!!

Secret

I have a secret I've been carrying around for a very long time. It makes me feel stupid to even think about it. I'm scared to succeed. I'm scared to be good at something. I'm scared that I'll fall flat on my face and look stupid.

I think that's held me back a lot in my life. Could be the reason I'm still at The Grand.

I'm sending out resumes Monday for 5 postions open in public relations in the Lafayette area. Hopefully something good happens.

I'm working as much as I can at The Grand. It really sucks. But, that's life. No one said it was easy or fair.

Dreams

I've been having weird dreams lately. It's been for about a week. I've had dreams that I'm still working at the vet clinic, I've had dreams I was doing a a sideways hip pop in belly dance and doing it well. I also had a dream that while I was belly dancing, I raised my arms and had very hairy underarms. This morning, I had a dream, about what I don't remember, but I know it freaked me out because I woke up crying. I don't know what's up. I wish I could figure them out.

A first

I was fired last Thursday from the vet clinic. He felt I wasn't doing my best to get clients in when they wanted to come in. Clients there don't know the word NO. Apparently, last Wednesday, a very important client came in and rasied nine kinds on hell becuse I told him he couldn't come in the week before. The man called late Friday afternoon and wanted a bath for his dog. Me, not wanting him to leave his dog overnight, asked if he could come in Monday. He said yes but never showed up Monday. I thought everything was fine, that he would call back to set up another appointment. When I got to work Thursday morning, Vanessa was the only one to give me a heads up about what happened Wednesday. He waited until 4 o'clock Thursday afternoon, while I was in the middle of helping someone on the phone, to pull me in the office. He said he was sorry but he would need my key. I kept it together, gave him my key, said I was sorry, thanked him and left. I broke down
in my car. What really sucked was that I had to go to work at The Grand that night. They cut hours there so I'm trying to get shifts where I can. I dont know if I can survive on this salary alone. I don't know what to do. I've been very depressed lately. I e-mailed my resume to my cousin last week and he said they might have openings because they bought a comany a few weeks ago. I hope something comes through very soon.

DARE. Change.

May we all dare to change.

Feeling funky

I'm sitting here not wanting to do anything but have much to do. I've been wathcing Real Life on MTV all afernoon, about drug addicts and alcoholics.

I finally put clothes washing. After I put clothes washing, I just started crying. I've been having a really rough time lately, with work and all. I really miss my friends and family.

I felt better at my bellydancing class last week. I hope it just keeps getting better.

I like the cooler weather. I just want to sit at CC's and drink a pumpkin pie latte or a peppermint mocha.

End my rant for the day.

Can't seem to

I'm here at The Grand. It is the suck. Really. It is. Corporate has now cut hours drastically. The cafe is the only stand open during the week. Only leads work during the week. One open, one swing, one close. Yeah, we have to close by ourselves. Next Thursday there are midnights so there are two people coming in from 10-1 to help. It won't be that bad. I do inventory on Thursday nights so the week after may be interesting. They think they are saving money but they aren't. The closer has to do everything by themselves. It only means they are going to be here later. I hope they come to their senses and put things back the way they were. To make things worse, I have to work the Baker on Wednesdays from 2-5. Yeah, let me tell you how excited I am about that.

Sorry I've been such a bad blogger. I've been sick for the past week. I left work early yesterday and called into the grand last night. I slept all afternoon and night. I still feel a little groggy.

Hope you are all having a great day.

P.S. I love the rain

Nickelodeon

Remember these?

Howard the Duck

Remember Howard?

Full House

First vidoes post. Hope you enjoy :-)

Somewhere in the middle

I'm sitting on Cain's porch right now. It's really pretty and lovely outside. The sun is shinning and the weather feels great. My dogs are playing. Such a great Sunday. I was suppose to go to one of my best friends nephew's birthday party today in Baton Rouge. She asked me this yesterday. I don't feel like doing anything today. I know we don't see each other that often, and she comes here all the time, but I really need a day of doing nothing.

I've had a really rough week.

Work at the vet has been crazy, trying to train in the back. Work at the Grand has been crazy as well. We have inspection on Tuesday. Cafe is spotless. I'm cleaning the daiquiri machines on Wednesday. Friday night was bad. I cursed in front two customers, two young girls. It wasn't to them or about them. Baker (a.k.a. kiss ass) came into cafe, Ms. Susan was cleaning the popper, and, while looking at me, told her she didn't have to worry about cleaning under the daiquiri or Icee machines because he had done it that morning because it wasn't done the night before (I did clean under there,he knew that). I immediately turned around and let it fly. I apologized to the customers and to everyone around me, except Baker. He deserved it. I also worked with Caleb, someone I did not like until Friday night. It went better that expected, and I made it a point to talk to him before he left. Before I left last night, Megan (manager) wanted to talk to me. I was up for my yearly raise. She said she talked to Charlie and they felt I was was doing better with customers and all. Yeah, that's great because it use to be bad. I feel like I'm doing better as well. Yeah, Friday night just messed that all up. We are going to revisit my raise in a month. At least it's not a whole year. I told her that Baker had to leave me alone, that I shouldn't be harassed for doing my job. I told her that even if she does talk to him, he's still going to harass me. Hayley said she thinks he makes it his mission at work: 1) smoke 2) do nothing 3) harass Heather. I laughed. I can't believe I let him get to me. I talk all this talk about being a strong, independent feminist. I still let him get to me. Thanks to Baker, we have to revisit my raise in a month.

ULL played LSU last night. We lost by the spread, 28. The final score was ULL-3 LSU-31. I knew we weren't going to win but I'm glad we didn't lose by that much. Two days ago, the spread was a lot worse lol. So, GEAUX CAJUNS!! I'm still proud of them.

I start my belly dancing class tomorrow night. I'm nervous and excited. A couple that we took our Cajun dancing class with came by the theatre last night. It was nice to see them.

I hope everyone has a lovely Sunday.

Fun

I bought a DSLite and ScribbleNauts today. It's pretty and pink :-) I'm having fun playing it. Now I have something to do when I'm bored lol.

Hope you are all having a good day.

Something new

I was sitting at work today and all I could think about what how I wanted a job where I mattered, somewhere I was making a difference, something good.

I'm tired of writing about how I hate my jobs and the suck of everything.

One day it will change.

Just a thought.....

I've always wondered why they don't use the first window in the drive thru?i mean, you pass it everytime you go thru the drive thru. Why not use it? It only makes sense and would make going thru the drive thru faster. Money at the first window and food at the second. That simple. Just my random thought for the night.

When is it going to end?

Cain's grandmother passed away Tuesday. The funeral was Thursday in Bunkie.

He hides his sadness in anger and jokes and takes it out on me. I know it's because he's hurting. I feel like there is nothing I can do to help him. It makes me feel bad. He thinks I say 'I love you' too much. He only says it when he 'means it', as he put it.

I'm not a fan of Tyler Perry. I have to deal with stupid people more than normal at the movie theatre. I finally got a break at about 10:30, after being here for about 5.5 hours. It sucks.

People that order daiquiris when they are with their kids makes me mad. You seriously need a daiquiri to get through this movie with your kid? What message are you sending them? That's just sad.

Pregrant smokers

Pregrant smokers

Cain and I are sitting at Nathan and Kristen's, waiting for BBQ to be
done. Kristen is going to deliver her third child any day now. This
one is Nathan's. They are both smokers. I don't understand why people
smoke in the first place, not to mention when they are pregnant. Don't
they understand what it is doing to their body and to their baby? Come
on people!!!!!

My head hurts and I'm hungry.

Happy Labor Day people.

Heather

Morning mistress

I have shared more with coffee, or with people over coffee, than I can remember. In southern Louisiana, coffee isn't just a thing or just another drink. Coffee is a way of life, namely Community Coffee (family owned and operated since 1919). For most people, coffee is something they grab on the way out the door in the morning. Here, we make it an event, if you can call it that. We sit and sip, we savor. Coffee is a part of our lives before we were born. I can remember sitting in my Maw-Maw's (grandmaw for all you non- southern folks) kitchen with a glass of coffee milk (more milk and sugar then coffee back then) thinking I was special because I got to drink coffee with the grownups. One of my favorite memories is waking up on her black leather couch and not moving. I like to take in the morning, that just-woke-up feeling. I loved listening to her and Mr. John (another entry all together) speak Cajun French to each other. They were always quiet, so not to
wake my sister or I up. Sometimes Passe Partout (very popular morning program here) would be on. Coffee was always present. When my dad was in the Army, we lived in Germany for about 4 years. My mom would have Community Coffee shipped to us from the States. That's how much it meant to us. We drink no other cofffee. It's a way of life here. I feel a little bit of a fraud when I drink another type of coffee.

What's your coffee story?

It must be going around

OMG.....I think I had a panic attack on my sleep. I woke up and it was hard to breath and felt like there was a weight on my chest. I felt weird all day long. My stomach hurts a lot, and I feel like I need to throw up. Yeah, I know...TMI. Get over it.

My parents are taking back my instruments and selling them. Yes, mine. The ones they bought for me. Well, at least I thought they were mine. Apparently, they bought them so the instruments are theirs. Excuse me?!?!?! My mom said she wants to sell them because they need money. I asked my dad how much money they needed and he had no clue. It is true that I have not touched them in a few years, and yes, they need major tlc, but they are mine. I have no say in this. She's going to do it regardless of what I say so whatever. I took them out and played for a few minutes on both the flute and the piccolo. When I put them away, I wanted to cry.

It's just been a really crappy week. Boo. Oh, did I mention I started my period. Major fail on all parts.

Attention ladies and gentlemen

Yes, this picture is funny. I wish that would happen everytime someone didn't wash their hands.

In one of the ladies restrooms at the theatre, the soap dispencer is broken. This means women cannot wash their hands after using the bathroom. GROSS!!!!! Really ladies?? That is disgusting. I think it's been broken for a few days. I know how to open it and get liquid to come out so it was no big deal for me. I also wash my hands as soon as I get behind the stand. For women to be walking around with dirty, nasty hands is beyond me. And, they handle money....yuck yuck yuck. The bathroom should be the cleanest part of any household and/or business. Come on ladies!!

What's the cleanest room in your house?

Maybe this is the turn around

Introducing the new me:


Don't I look fabulous?!?!?!!! LOL

My hair has not looked that way since I cut it, which was a week and a half ago lol.

Anyway, life was busy for a few weeks with Monica moving to Oklahoma and all. We made it a weekend affair. She left this past Tuesday. Last Saturday, we went to the casino. It was fun but man, am I glad Frankie came. It was all couples. I lost $20 and had a blast dancing to good music. Sunday, Frankie and I were suppose to take pictures around town. That was postponed due to nasty clouds followed by rain. We had lunch then the ladies and I headed to BR for the most amazing Chinese EVER: P.F. Changs :-) After the amazing Chinese, we headed across the street to Whole Foods for gelato.....yummmm!!!!! Sooooo good. We then headed back home and said our goodbyes. Monday night was our last night together, just the four of us. We had an AMAZING Korean meal provided by Katie, as well as dessert. There are pictures of this coming soon. After Katie's amazing meal, we headed to Fast Eddies to meet up with more friends and free pool. We had so much fun. It was a bittersweet goodbye at the end of the night. On one hand, I was sad to see her go, but on the other hand, I was very excited for her. I know she is enjoying it there, the people are friendly and she likes her class. She's building a life there, which is more than I can say for myself down here.

Any advice on where I should go for vacation?

Let's give 'em something to talk about

So, here's my question of the day: do you truely, ever really know
someone? Do you know all they secrets and demons? Do you know about
their past and what they want for the future?

We talk; we all talk. Especially about other people. I will admit I am
guilty of this. I hate when people talk about me, usually none of it
good. They are very bad for it at the vet. It rubbed off on me. I've
heard it brings co-workers closer. When I think about it, I don't
think it does. From now on, I'm going to try very hard to not gossip
about others. Now, I may fuss about work, but I'll try my hardest not
to talk about other people. It's just not nice.

I guess the reason I ask tonights question is because I have trust
issues. I'm not really sure where they stem from but I know they are
there. I don't want to shut off from people like I am.

Any advice?

Maybe it's true

I haven't posted in a while and I feel bad. I want to get better at this. I really do. I saw the trailer for Julie & Julia while watching The Ugly Truth ( yes, again) Monday night. One of the characters tell the others that her blog was being turned into a mini series or something like that. All I could think was that no one would ever buy my blog for anything...it's too depressing. Really, it is; it's sad. It makes me sad to think about it. I want to write, but I think that everything that comes out sounds stupid. I'm in a funk, something I just can't shake. I need a lot of things. I'm sitting here, waiting for things to happen, feeling sorry for myself. That's not what life is. Life is about going out and doing what you want, being who you really are.

On a lighter note, my mom, sister and I are going to the zoo and aquarium in NOLA on Sunday. Hopefully, we will have a great time and not want to kill each other. There will be pictures to follow.

Hope you are all having a lovely day!!

Purpose??

Everyone says I walk with a purpose. I've been told that more times than I can could count. If I only knew what this purpose was, I would be set.

Anyone want to help?

Monday Blues

Not much is going on. I don't really have a life. I watched The Ugly Truth with my family yesterday. It was funny and we all liked it. I suggest you all go see it. The whole control freak part really hit home for me; "who could love someone like that?" Yeah, that hits home.

Debbie is on vacation this week so it's just me and Vanessa in the front. Today was okay. We'll see how the rest of the week goes. Hopefully well. It needs to go well. It's been slow and probably going to get slower as school starts! YAY!! Hahaha.

I think I need something that challenges me. It's not that the vet isn't challenging. It just isn't something I see myself doing. I want to stand for something. I want to fight for something. Nothing is really grabbing me. I don't know what's wrong with me.

BLOG SWAP!!!

I got paired up with James for the 20sb blog swap. I've never participated before so this is all new to me. Here is his blog entry. I'm over at his blog. Here's his entry for today. Hope you like our topic :-)

I signed up randomly for the 4th 20sb Blog Swap, and found it to be such a cool experience that I vowed to participate in as many as I could. So, for the 5th 20sb Blog Swap, I got paired with Heather. At first glance, I was a bit scared. Me, a man, write for a self-described feminist? Chances are I couldn't blag it with a drunk post about dating minefields like I did last time.

After a spot of emailing, we decided to talk about holidays. Specifically, favourite holidays. Now, seeing as I'm due to head to the Lake District for a week's hiking and relaxing on Saturday, I figured this was well timed.

But hang on. Favourite holidays. How do you choose one? I've been luckily enough to have holidayed in places such as California, Vermont, Massachusetts, Crete, Portugal, Scotland, Florida and England, and I can't choose one of them easily.

If it was based upon distance, then sure, my trips to California would nail them. But then what about culture? American life isn't really any different to English life; I'd be looking at Portugal or Crete. Or weather? Not as easy as you might think - Crete and Portugal had gorgeous weather, but there was no variation - and baking hot gets pretty boring after a while. Vermont had lovely warm summer days mingled with blissfully cool times - a real blessing when you're trekking through the mountains.

I'd rather choose based on experience. But that's another thing - is one experience truly better than others? Granted, I wouldn't put a car crash as a better experience than, say, skydiving - but you know what I mean.

My trips to the Lake District and Scotland have largely been hiking trips. I mean, if you're going to a mountainous region with absolutely stunning vistas from the summits, you're going to climb them. It's a lot more challenging than, say, heading off to Florida and taking in the sights (or, you know, beaches). But you wouldn't go to Florida with the goal of hiking and climbing mountains.

I can honestly say that every single one of my holidays has been unmatched by any other. Like last year, when my Dad and I spent ten days in San Francisco and Monterey Bay. Or when my family, including my Aunt and Uncle, my three cousins and two of their boyfriends, all trekked up to Scotland and enjoyed two weeks in the highlands. It's comparable, but uncomparable at the same time.

It's about the moment. How you feel at that moment. Looking back, with that in mind, it's actually quite obvious what my favourite holiday was.

All of them.

Crazy Monday

Dude, I'm not sure how much longer I can take it at the vet. Those people are driving my crazy. Seriously. I hate wakeing up and going there in the morning. People don't know what it is to hear 'NO' there. They are spolied and think that they are our number one priority. They think the customer is always right. WRONG! SORRY! That is so not even true. Take today, for example. One of our bitchest, horribly rude, looks like leather client's sister called about three times, the first two hanging up and not speaking. When she does get on the phone, she bithces the girl that answers the phone out, saying that her sister (our client) had been trying to call all morning. Not even true. We were busy all morning (it's Monday...always crazy) but never once did this lady call. We checked the caller ID. She's one of those clients you know not to do or say anything around because she will turn around and tell on you. Apparently, she called one day (doesn't remember when) and whomever answered the phone (before they put her one hold) said 'It's *insert client's name here*, AGAIN'. She said I did it. Dude, there is NO WAY I WOULD EVER DO THAT TO ANY ONE OF OUR CLIENTS. I'm the one that's scared clients will get hung up on so I make sure the phone is on hold before I put it down. I'm just so tired of being stressed at work. There is so much drama. I hate it. I just can't work like this. I was told, as the receptionist, you will be blamed for everything. Who can work like that?

It's a good day

I'm doing something I haven't done in a very, very long time. I'm sitting at CC's, by myself, drikning my usual (super grande caramel ice coffee!),my computer in front of me and a great book by my side! Life is good, right now. I'm waiting for my clothes to dry so why not wait here, right???

I've been toying with the idea of writing short stories. I don't think I have what it takes to write a book. I'm not even sure I can pull of writing a short story. I guess we'll see. Where do I start?

I need to start looking for another job. I'm not happy where I am currently. I think I just need a break. I want to do something that I love, something that I'm happy to get up for in the morning, something I look forward to. Only tiime will tell, I guess.

It feel so great outside today :-) Hope you all have a wonderful day.

Mornings

I've come to find, when I don't have to work at the vet, mornings are peaceful. I miss opening at the theatre. I know it can get crazy, but despite that, I enjoy opening. There's a peacefulness to it. Something that calms me down. It might also help that I don't have that many customers haha.

I'm currently reading Tales of a Female Nomad by Rita Golden Gelman. I haven't even made a dent in the book and I love it. It makes me feel something I haven't felt in a long time. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it's there.

Hope you all have a great day :-)

You should go read it

So, my wonderful friend Pam is having a giveaway for the grand opening of her new blog. You all should go check it out and sign up to win the cool stuff, not to mention her awesome writing. I could so use that $20 Barnes and Noble gift card, haha.

All the book I ordered last week came in this week. I'm now waiting on all the Harry Potter books to get here. I can't wait to start reading them again.

There is something that has been bothering me for a while. My mom keeps asking me for money. It's not for stuff they need around the house. It's for stuff she wants, all her scrapbook stuff. I'm tired of her always saying she needs money. She doesn't NEED money, she WANTS money. I know I probably sound like a selfish bitch, but I hope you understand. My mom is capable of getting a part time job. She called me at work yesterday, saying her needed money. I told her I was busy, she asked that I call her back so she could come meet me. I told her no. I forgot about the whole conversation until I received a lovely voicemail from her while at work last night thanking me for fucking calling her back about the money she needed. Yeah, great move mom. I don't know what to do about it anymore.

Any advice?

Phone is dead. As in, Trunks chewed through my charger and now it no longer works. I've been thought a book for a week now. It makes me very, very sad. I was so bored last night, I worked for the midnight of Harry Potter. It was CRAZY! AND, it will only get worse over the next few weeks. Cain and I are going watch it tonight. I'm bringing clothes with my to change at work. They has am employee screening that I missed; was totally bummed :-(

I'm waiting for the charger and all of the books I ordered to come in. It's driving me a little nuts.

Maybe better

Things are okay. Not really feeling all that great but better than I was. I think I want to start a cooking and book reviewing blog. I'm still waiting for my books to come in. I ordered 4 books and a cd last week from Amazon. The cd came in :-) It's BoA's first English CD. Totally rocks. Still waiting for the books to come in. I'm part of Blogging Bookworm. We are suppose to start reading this book tomorrow. It still hasn't come in. I just ordered all the Harry Potter books hardcover :-D YAY!! I also had to order a new phone charger because Trunks chewed the old one.

I can handle ordering presents from people online and waiting for them to come in. I CAN'T handle ordering stuff for myself, especially books haha. Then why do you do it, you ask? Because it's cheaper online. These days, everyone's looking for a deal. I just wish they would get here faster lol.

Well, I hope everyone is having a great day! How was everyone's weekend?

Not so good

Yeah, I've been in one of those moods lately. I don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to get out of bed, don't want to do anything. I want to cry when I get up in the morning, as well as when I'm at work. Nothing feels right. I know I'm depressed. I know there is something wrong with me. I have thoughts of hurting my dogs, as well as my family dying. It doesn't bother me at all. When I see someone hurt or in pain, I want to laugh. I almost got fired on Monday. A client came in on Friday (we had done eye surgery on his dog) and said his dog ate the bottle I'd eye drops we sent home. The man then proceded to put flea/heartworm preventative in the dogs. He told me he rinsed the dogs eye out. I told him the dog would be fine. HUGE MISTAKE!!! The dogs eye became swollen shut and had to be taken to the emergency clinic. Wife calls the clinic Monday and was rightly upset (she's in Mexico, btw). We watched the dog for three days and he's doing much better.
That was on Monday. Tuesday, I forgot to give one of my co-workers a message to pick up her mom's dog.

I've just been all out of sorts. I hate when I get like this. Seriously, what kind of person laughs at someone elses pain? Who thinks about hurting their animals. I have these rages when all I want to do it beat my dogs.

I'm such a horrible person.

I wonder what happened to me.

Stole from http://complicatedv.blogspot.com

excited about nothing really
worried about money, like always
reading Marley and Me by Josh Grogan
creating this post
loving my dogs
hating just about everything right now
wondering about a lot of stuff, especially with me
craving cupcakes, coffee, peace
listening to C, playing WoW and a commercial
watching nothing
netflix-ing I don't Netflix; I know, right?!?!

Me, at the moment

I'm broken
I'm bound
by your words
by your glances

Nothing
makes me happy
Nothing
makes me whole

Wow, it's Wednesday

So, first things first: Cain recieved a text from Ben (the roomate) today, telling him that he was moving all his stiff out today, but leaving the guinea pigs for now because he didn't have a truck. What a dick head. Cain knew Ben wasn't going to stay long but a month after they moved there?!?!?! That just blows my mind. I don't get it. I feel bad because now Cain has to pay lot rent plus trailer note. Cain knows I won't move because I signed my lease a month ago. I really want to stay there for the year anyway. My own space and everything. Cain is such a better person than I am. He's laid back and takes things as they come. I'm ready to call up Ben and curse him out. He didn't give Cain any warning. That makes me mad.

Second: movies need to start coming out on Friday, NOT Wednesday. It's so busy during the day. It sucks.

We are going watch Ice Age tonight.

That is all for now. How is everyone doing?

Monday Blues

It's been a blah Monday. I just did not want to do anything. I got to work and couldn't wait to go home. The day just dragged on. Work couldn't end soon enough. About 20-30 minutes before work ended, the wind, thunder and lightening started. Then the rain came!! YAY!! We haven't had rain in a month. It was great. I ended up not going shopping. I just went home. I didn't even get the puppy. I took a shower, folded clothes and am now watching TV. I'm PMSing bad. I've wanted to eat everything in site all weekend. It sucks. I want everything fried and chocolate.

I just don't want to do anything anymore.

It's been too long

I know I haven't posted in what seems like forever, and I'm sorry. I do want to up my readership so I better start writing.

So, I'm in the new apartment. I didn't spend much time there last week because I had to flea bomb the place. Yeah, it sucked. I still need to unpack and put everything where it needs to go. I hate that part. Pictures will come when it's done; hopefully soon. Trunks is doing well. He's learning the meaning of the word 'NO'. It's still a little rough without Cain and Broly but we try to see them often. I don't want to go over there all the time because I only think it's fair that he comes to me. Once a week isn't going to cut it (lunch on Sundays). I'm still a little sad when I go home but I know it's for the better. I need to get use to begin by myself and going to his place all the time isn't going to help. I now have Internet, cable and telephone. Yay!!

I really miss time with my ladies. Last night, Lauren, Monica and I hung out. It was fun. I can't wait for Katie to get back from Korea. I know she's having a fabulous time and I'm happy for her. It's been a while since all four of us have been together. Speaking of which, Hayley moved out of her parents house. Yay for her! Monica is buming around, either with her mom or friends becasue Lucas' family moved to Oklahoma, where him and his dad work. It all happened on the same weekend. Cain said he was never moving he again, that he would hire movers the next time. As I unpack, I'm trying to get rid of stuff I don't need/use. I will hopefully get my kitchen table soon. I need to switch cable from my bedroom to the living room.

Oh, drama alert. When the talk of moving into the apartment started, I told Erin and Lauren (supposed friends) that I couldn't afford the deposit and 1st months rent. They were shocked and "hurt", as Lauren put it. She sent me a text saying how I asked for their help, then they go out of their way to figure stuff out for me and I reject it. EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?!!! I NEVER asked for anyones help in finding a place to live, or with anything for that matter. I am a grown as woman. I can do things on my own. Yeah, I know I could have said 'no' to them about the apartment. I kind of feel like I was guilted into living there. It's my own place now so I'm making the best of it. Lauren then said she would talk to the landlord about keeping the deposit for me and me just paying them back. That was fine with me. Well, yesterday, I get a text from Lauren telling me that she's been trying to get in touch with me for three days (this is true) and if I didn't get in touch
with her by 9, she was going to forced to take me to small claims court. I messages back, not because she threatened me, but because I wanted her address. She wouldn't give it to me. She's going to pick up some of the money next Tuesday at The Grand. I'm going to pay the rest of the money next month then I am done with them. I feel like Lauren does this kid of stuff for people, without asking them, to make herself feel good. Then, when they don't respond in the manner she wants, she's gets all offended and puts it back on that person, making them feel horrible. I don't want to be associated with that, ever again. It's wrong to treat people that way.

Oh, Brittney's aunt brings her dogs to the vet I work at. She told Brittney, who told Cain, who told me, that I wasn't very nice to her. That woman is never nice to me when she comes in, no matter how hard I try. Speaking of which, I am trying to have a better attitude at both of my jobs. I know I'm lucky have a job, much less two, so I better make the near of it.

I realized yesterday that I really need to lose weight. We eat out waayyyyy too much. I want to start cooking more and eating at home. Trunks and I went for a walk this morning around the park across the street. I need to start getting up earlier and going walk. I need to complete lifestyle change.

What's been going on in your life?

So, here's what's going on

I'm not moving in with Cain. I did not get the first apartment because I have bad credit and no previous rent history. At this point, I had two options: move in with Cain or go back home. As much as I didn't want to move in because of Ben, I was willing to give it a try. Enter Lauren. Her, her gf and Erin have decided to rent a house together. That leaves Laurens apartment up for rent. I never asked them for help. Never. They told their landlord that I was interested in the apartment. I don't think I ever said I was interested in it. I told them I couldn't afford the deposit. They talked to their landlord about keeping the deposit for me and I would pay them back little by little (in about 2-3 months). I hate that they did that. I really do. Cain is sad that I'm moving. I'm sad that I'm moving. I know he said things would different at the trailer because it would be his, but I don't like living with Ben. I've been crying for the past two days because of
this. Maybe this will be good for us. I think I owe it to myself because I've never lived on my own before. I'm giving it six months. Cain and I agreed that, after six months, if I didn't like it, I could move in the trailer. I guess we will see how it goes.

I know it's not much but DO IT!

I got this idea from my dear friend Erin. I'm really thinking about doing it. I would love love love to see what everyone else comes up with. So, if you are able to, please do this. I can't wait. I'll try to post mine soon.

I start moving in a week and a half and have NOTHING packed. I need serious help. I have no motivation at all. I promise a real post will come after I move and get Internet set up. Hopefully, that happens soon after I move. Hope everyone is doing well.

Getting to know you

I got this idea from Pam!. It's such a good idea and a great way to get to know my audience so go for it!

1.When did you first discover blogging?
2. What is the first blog you remember reading?
3. Why do you blog (and how often)?
4. How often do you read others' blogs (and how many do you follow)?
5. What did you do before blogging?


I'll be first! Here are my answers:
1.It was about 5 years ago. I had a blog before then that was deleted because my parents found out. Long story.....good topic for a future post LOL!
2. I think it was someone on LiveJournal's. Yeah, I have two blogs
3. I don't blog often enough. I know I need to change that. Again, another great post.
4. I read just about every day. I follow most of what I read. I love hearing what people have to say and what's going on out there.
5. I really don't know. I tried keeping a journal. I started one last year and wrote in it everyday for a while (that was my goal) but somewhere along the way, all of them seem to get lost or forgotten.

Yeah, read what she has to say

Simply ME...: NO, I don't owe you an explanation

Yeah, I think this says it all about me and friendship. It's sad to think I am like this. I'm glad I am about to recognize, admit it and start correcting it right away, though. Gotta give myself props for that. I'm proud of myself. Prouder than I've been in a very long time. Go me.

Tattoos

I think this is the next tattoo I want to get. I'm not sure about the fist in the middle yet. I want to get it on my ribs. Maybe on both sides. I would want it in pink because I like that color. What are your feelings on tattoo's and body modification? I recently stumbled upon my dear friend Amy's blog about the subject she kept two years ago. It looks like it was for a class or a project. I think I want this one too Posted a link to her body blog, as I like to call it. That specific link is to another tattoo I'm thinking about getting.

Oh, great news. All I have to do it turn in a 30 day notice at current apartment and Kelly, the lady who helped me with everything at Bridgeway, said she could get me approved there! So basically, I HAVE THE APARTMENT!! It made me a little sad though, to think that I have to move and don't want to. Everyone says I'm going to like it though. I think I am too, I just have to give it time. Now, it's on to packing!! This is where my sister and friends come in LOL.

Pushing

I push people away. I've been doing it all of my life. I make friends for a few years then it's gone, usually because of me. Why let someone in when they aren't going to be around forever? I keep people at arms length, never letting anyone fully in. That's a sad way to live. I know it is. Sometimes I think I'm just better off alone. People find me depressing. I don't have much to live for.

Oh, little girls

Still haven't heard back from the apartment people. I really hope I get it. I need this. I need something good.

I'm craving aloneness right now. I desperately need quiet. I need a place to call my own. I need to find myself again.

Growing up, little girls are given kitchen sets and baby dolls to play "house" with. Yeah, we start 'em young. Although I enjoy cooking and cleaning (yes, I am crazy LOL), I hate to think that's what my mother had in mind for me, to be some man's housewife. To wait on him and and foot and raise a family. I feel like I've fallen into that role. I know we aren't married. I know we don't have a kid.

I need peace and quiet.

Dancing and alone

Yeah, Cajun dancing is a lot of fun. Wasn't able to hang with the ladies tonight. That sucked. They kept emailing each other plans for tonight, reminding me with every one that I wasn't able to go :-( There's always next week :-) Everyone's worried about the new auditor for The Grand. I'm not really all that worried. Nothing sticks anyway. We'll go by the rules for about a week then it is all forgotten. We play their game for a little while. It sucks but oh well. Whatever. I'll do whatever they want tomorrow.

Hayley called me self righteous. For a close friend to think that about you sucks. Yeah, I didn't think I was that bad until the emails about the plans started. I know I couldn't go (we were celebrating Cain's brother's bday) so why was I all upset that they were emailing plans. Double edge sword. Because I couldn't go. Yeah, makes no sense to me. I'm a stupid girl.

I realize day by day, more and more, how much I need to be alone. I need to be with myself again. I need to spend time in aloneness, not to be confused with loneliness, which is different. I need time for myself.

I'm having the hardest time putting photos in my entries. Any advice?

Turtles

I love turtles. All kinds really. I love sea turtles because from the time they are born, they are fighters. They have to fight to make it to the water, they have to fight to survive. Kind of reminds me of myself when I was born. I was born three months premature, spent months in the NICU and I'm still here today. Says a lot about the human spirit.

Dude, I feel like a horrible blogger. I'e written in a week. I've been reading everyone else's almost every day. I want more people to read my blog. I went fill out the application for Bridgeway this afternoon, turned in the app. fee but not the deposit. Didn't know I was suppose to o_o! Started Cajun dance class tonight. It totally rocked! I lead. I would like to learn the girl part, being I'm a girl and all, but I'm a natural leader, I guess. It feels better to me. I'm super excited. I'm looking into taking more dance classes in the fall and getting back into singing! We'll see how it all goes!

I hope everyone has a great week! Hopefully, I'll start to post regularly!

Peace

I have no peace here. I have no place of my own. Cain has the living room, where all his games are. I don't like hanging out in the bedroom all the time. Right now, Cain is sleeping and I'm sitting on the floor typing this. His brother Christian is in the living room, watching something on 360. I just want a space that is mine. When Cain and I are here, just the two of us, it's okay. I go hang out in the living room, usually on my laptop or reading a book, while he plays video games. 

I'm excited and very afraid to move into my own apartment, by myself. I've never lived alone....EVER! I'm afraid that I'm always going to be at the trailer. I don't want to pay rent on an apartment that I'm never going to be at. I won't have Broly. I'm afraid that being apart is going to drive us apart somehow. 

I'm not as strong as I thought. I'm not very assertive. I use to think I was a strong, don't take crap from anyone, feminist. Now, I feel like a wimp. I feel so out of my element at the vet. Last week was HORRIBLE! Amy wasn't going to come to work Saturday because she had been at the ER with her son all night and didn't get the sleep until about 4 that morning (she did come in around 8:30). It was just me and Laura. I have ZERO experience as a vet tech. We had appointments all morning, on top of people wanting to walk in. We had to feed, water and walk the dogs, plus feed, water and change litter boxes for the cats. Yeah, and we had the relief vet there (Dr. Carson was suppose to be out of town). I now know how to get stuff ready for a yearly. I just felt so overwhelmed by everything.

Cain doesn't really seem to care where I'm moving to, isn't helping to look for a safe place for me to live, didn't offer to help with anything. I know that I'm going to move right this time. I can tell you that much. They have already started saving boxes for me at The Grand. I'm going to sit down and pack only what I need. I know, easier said than done. I'm going to ask my friends and sister to help. My sister is an AMAZING packer. 

This afternoon, my mom, sister and I are going listen to a Cajun band at CC's. FREE plus coffee = VERY HAPPY HEATHER!!

Can't wait for Tuesday! We are having ladies night. I don't know where we are going eat but I know we are going to Artmosphere after to listen to a band. I will bring my camera. Speaking of camera, I need to downlaod pictures and post them LOL.

I hope you all have a great day!

THAT girl

• Mar. 10th, 2009 at 9:08 PM

I NEVER thought I'd be that girl. I never thought I'd be that girl who's life revolved around her boyfriend, who gave up stuff with friends and family because of her boyfriend, who doesn't recognize herself........ALL BECAUSE OF A BOY. How pathetic is that? I look at my life a few years ago and miss that strong, independent woman who knew what she wanted (or at least had an idea) and how to get it ,who was head strong, took no crap crap from anyone. I miss the woman in me. I miss having just ME time, where I don't have to do anything or feel bad for doing something without him. I know if I'd talk to Cain about this, he would say that he didn't stop from doing all that stuff, that I did that to myself. Part of that is true. He never did stop me from being me, but part of me gave up myself for him, because I'm in a relationship with him. I don't know if any of this makes any sense.

So, anyone know of any one bedroom's available by August in the Lafayette area? Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I'm leaning toward a one bedroom. I seriously need to get back to myself, to find out who I am and what I want.

I think I know

He's buying a trailer. It's right behind his brother's. It's across the street from our apartment complex. I was toying with the idea of moving in with him. It's small. I would have to put ALL of my stuff in storage, which I don't think it very fair. I asked him last week if he would it would be just the two of us, he said yes. We talked about it Sunday. He said he never remembers saying that. He's going to convert the wash room (once a bedroom) back into a bedroom so Ben(disgusting male), the roommate, can move in. I told him I wasn't moving in with him. He thinks it's no big deal. That hurts a little. I just think it's too small for all of us. I know his mom and step-dad are going to make it look nice but nothing compares to space. I walked in and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I cried a majority of the day on Saturday. I have to either find a roommate or look for a one bedroom apartment by August, when the lease on this one is up. I would like to find a roommate and stay in the apartment but I don't know how possible that it. I don't want to live with someone I don't know. Everyone is telling me that maybe living on my own will be a good thing. I've never really lived on my own, come to think of it. I went straight from my parents house to living with Cain. Even before officially living with him, I was at the apartment a majority, if not all, of the time. It just makes me sad that we won't be living together anymore, that I won't have Broly. Everyone says not to worry about it, that I'll see him (Broly) on the weekends. He's slept with me every night since June 13, 2008, the day we brought our 4 week old puppy home. That's my baby. I know it's not until August but just thinking about this makes me super sad and wanting to cry. We can't talk about it because every time we do, I end up crying and/or yelling, mostly yelling. I majorly need time for myself so maybe this will be a good thing. Only time will tell, I guess.

A little ways back

So, I've turned into that girlfriend. I don't like that fact that they hang out when I'm sleeping. I told him this morning that I think it's in appropriate that he tells her everything that goes on in our relationship. I told him that I feel like he's hiding stuff from me. I've become that girlfriend that reads his text messages. I hate that I'm like that. That's not me. I told him that I feel like he doesn't want to be with me. He told me he does, that he's not hiding anything from me. I know nothing is going on. I do, I really do. But, for some reason, I can't shake this feeling. I hate it so so so much.

Things will be okay. They will get better. Blah. I just need to get over it.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

More backwards

• Feb. 18th, 2009 at 12:09 PM

I know it's been a while since I've written. First, I want to say that things between Cain and I are better. The whole hanging out with Brittney still bothers me a little but I have to trust him. I know they where best friends before I came along. I don't want to be the reason they aren't friends. They didn't talk for over a year because of a misconmunication between her and Cain when we first started dating. I think it's great that they are friends. He is getting better about asking to go hang out with her. I'm not going to stop him. If they do hang out, he lets me know. He's learning to compromise. There is still a lot to work on but we are getting there. It can only go up from here, right?

I have to say, I am enjoying my Sundays off. It's nice to do whatever I want when I want.

I really want to quit The Grand. That becomes more apparent ever single time I work. Hopefully, I won't be here much longer. Work at the vet sucks right now, as well. We are super short handed because he fired another girl Monday. Yeah, just great. She was mean and rude. She totally had it out for another co-worker, made this girls life hell at work. All she would talk about was her kid. She was loud and would rip stuff out of peoples hands without asking. Yeah, glad she's gone.

Cain and I had Valentines on Sunday. We stayed in bed all morning, tried to clean that afternoon LOL and went eat out that night. It was nice.

I blame the weather on my mood. I'm feeling sad. I want to cry. I feel like my life is headed nowhere. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm not going to get anywhere. I hate when I'm like this.

Ladies night last night was great. We picked up food and dessert from Fresh Market and headed back to the apartment. We watched Clerks and ate chocolate fondue and strawberries :-)

I hope you all have a lovely day.

Backwards

• Jan. 28th, 2009 at 12:30 PM

It's been a while since I've updated :-( There is lots to tell. My goal for this year is to pay off my credit card debt. I also wanted to write in LJ more, which I had been doing but lost track off over the last week or so. For that, I am sorry.

The last two weeks at the vet have sucked. We've been so busy. People think they can just drop off their animals and that's fine. WRONG!! Make an appointment to be seen or make one to drop your animal off, at least we know you're coming.

Monday FAILED!! Major. One of my co-workers, Lisa, was fired. She was never at work. She has major back and head issues so that's part of it. The rest of the day sucked. I wanted to go home so bad.

I get home and the fail continues. I get in from walking Broly and Cain is standing in the living room, crying. My first thought was his grandmother had died. She didn't, which is great. He said 'I love you but I can't live like this anymore.' It felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. He said it was to stressful on him, that he couldn't handle it. He said he didn't want me to hate him, that he wanted to still be friends, best friends, to go watch movies. I just looked at him, all the while trying to catch my breath. We talked. I told him I wasn't breaking up with him. We would figure something out. We both have stuff we need to work on. I even offered to quit the grand if that's what he wanted. He said no because he knows how important paying off my debt is. We decided that we are going to try. I know we can make it work. We've decided to take things slow. That's all we can do for right now.

Before work this morning, I started crying. He asked what was wrong. I asked if I was his best friend. He said I was his girlfriend. He said I was his number one. The reason this is all coming up is because he started hanging out with Britney again. They use to be best friends and hadn't spoken for over a year. I think it's good that they are reconnecting and hanging out again. I'm just worries that he's sharing stuff with her, that he's not sharing with me. I know that sounds stupid but it's the way I feel. I'm glad we are talking. We need to do more of it.