Sunday, December 20, 2009

Isn't this wonderful??

I don't know what's going on, but I'm not feeling great. All I want to do it cry. I feel alone. I want the holidays to be over. My apartment isn't lived in and it makes me cry.

I'm going to my parents tomorrow to type up recipes for our Christmas present. I have to go early and be back at my apartment by 2 because the UPS guy is suppose to drop off Cain's Christmas present (I got him a WoW beer stein, along with Brutal Legend for XBox360).

It's 5 days until Christmas and I feel like crap.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

In your eyes

What do you do when you look in the mirror and don't like what you see? This has been on my mind a lot lately. I see things about myself that I don't like. I know I need to change them and I really want to. It just feels like there is somethig stopping me. I keep thinking about the me I am now and how people react to me. It's not good. I get picked on a lot because of how I treat people. It makes me feel horrible. Do people really see me that way? Am I really that girl? I feel like if I try to change, be better, people will compare me to how I use to be, that they won't believe me.

I'm not in the holiday spirit. I want these two weeks (winter break for schools) to go by very fast.

I'm treating myself to some hair products and a book (Knitting for Dummies) on Monday. My Christmas gift to myself. Hopefully it will help me feel a little better.

I need to get out of this funk. I hate this so much.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Back so soon

I know I just posted a few minutes ago, but oh well.

As the year comes to a close and the new year is within reach, I can't help but think all I things I want to do in the new year. I always make a resolution that I NEVER keep. I actually want to keep one, if not all of them, this year. I guess I just had to put that out there because I've heard it helps to have support. So, support, I'm letting you know now, I WILL NEED IT LOL.

I will post my resolutions as the time gets closer.

A lot on my mind

About a week about, my friend said she wanted to start a Bible study group. It sounded interesting, at least to just see what it's like. Tonight, we had our first meeting. There were just three of us there because the three other ladies had plans. Tonight, we just talked about how we wanted things to go. We talked about reading a few chapters a week then going over them the next week; we also talked about having topics to talk about. I learned about a book entitled The Message. From what I understand, it helps you understand the Bible if you are having trouble with the language. I'm glad I decided to come. I guess we are searching and looking for something deeper to believe in, to ground ourselves in. I've always wanted to read and truly understand the Bible.

I was baptized Roman Catholic. Growing up, we did not attend church. I did not have my first communion until I was 14. While there are things I do not agree with in the Catholic church, I like the structure it gives me. A few years ago, I read The Secret. A must read, if you haven't already. It's about sending good vibes out in the Universe and letting it come back to you, living in the now, being happy with yourself today and so forth. I have read a few more books like that. I have become interested in Buddhism. I've wanted to learn more about it. I like the thought of living in the here and now, of being present. I don't think I am very present in my life at the moment. I'm all over the place.

I'm at a crossroads with this. I like the structure of the Catholic church, and I like going to church (though I haven't been in a VERY long time). I'm not a conservative. I don't agree with all the teachings of the Catholic church. I just don't know where to go with this. I don't know where I identify religiously.

Anyone have any advice?