Do things really change?

I took this picture yesterday in Church. It belonged to the teenage girl sitting in front of me. When I saw this, it instantly brought back memories of middle school and friends. I remember when I had my friends sign my bags and such. All I could think was that I hoped she found amazing, lifelong friends who love, care and are there for her.

It also made me think about where those people are now and what they are doing with their life. I was never part of the popular crows in school. I didn't really even have a group (although I wad in band and choir). I was more of a loner. The movie The Social Network comes out this week. I really want to watch it. I recently went through my friend list on Facebook and deleted people I'm not really friends with. My thing is, if you weren't my friend in high school, why do you want to be friends now? For some reason, I still had a hard time deleting people. I know I need to go through again and delete more people. Why do I feel the need to keep people in my life that mean nothing to me? Why do I feel like adding them to my Facebook will make me feel better/more popular?

Location:Oak Park Dr,Lafayette,United States

In my head right now

There's so much on my mind right now. First, my car. It's cost me $500 to fix. That's $500 I really don't have, and I can't ask my parents for help. Second, I'm tired of hearing how his mom pays for this and his mom pays for that. Example: "Oh, I can't buy you food, but my mom gave me money to buy me and my brother dinner" or "My mom has someone at my house fixing the floor". Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I spent the money on my car and got it fixed. It no longer leaks and smells like gas. The fuel pump mechanism was cracked inside and out. The mechanic said he had never seen anything like that before. Then he tells me I need to get my brakes fixed next. I just have the best luck with cars. There's no one I can turn to for help money wise. I picked up two extra shifts at work. Now I work a double Friday and Saturday. I know I need the money. I just really need a break. I want to go on vacation. Blah. I'm tired. Of everything.

Location:U.S. 167,Lafayette,United States

Grace in Little Things, Week 2

1. I have my car back
2. My car doesn't leak gas or smell like it anymore either
3. I'm grateful for Elaine and Cain for being my rides this week
4. Belly dancing <3

Location:Oak Park Dr,Lafayette,United States

Vlogging is back

So, here is my first vlog since VEDA: Questions and Answer vlog

Vloggers back in action.....

....Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday hahaha.

Yes, we are bringing vlogging back, but instead of every day, we will be vlogging once a week.

So, in order for this vlog to happen, I need you to ask me questions. Anything is game. Yeah, you read that right, anything is game. So, post a comment here with your questions. You have until 5 p.m. on Tuesday to get your questions in. Can't wait to see what you ask!

Grace in Little Things, Week 1

Through VEDA, I have met so many amazing people. One of them being Nora. After reading her post on Grace in Little Things, I have decided I need to give it a try. I've had a rough week so this will do me some good.

1. I'm grateful that the painters saw my gas leak in my car. My car has been smelling like gas for well over a year now. I never knew where it came from, never saw a leak. Well, it turns out that my car leaks when I'm driving. It stops when the car is off. That being said....

2. I'm grateful my car has NOT exploded.

3. I'm grateful I have family and friends I can depend on, even though I hate asking for help.

4. I'm grateful for Thursday TV night.

5. I'm grateful for the semi-Fall weather we had for one day this week. Come on Fall!

What are you grateful for this week?

Location:U.S. 167,Lafayette,United States

Kaleidoscope Heart

If you haven't bought this album already, DO IT NOW!!! This is such an amazing album. I know critics and fans alike usually say that artists have the sophomore slump. You can't say that for this one. It's so heartfelt and real. I can feel the emotion behind every song. Give it a listen. I know you'll fall in love with it.

More about the tattoo

It happened on a Wednesday. At that time in my life, anything good or bad happened on a Wednesday. I think it was our thing. We use to laugh about that.

I remember facing the fence, seeing the road, cars passing by. I was crying, on the phone with my mom. The words were simple. My mom, not so much. "I like her". I came out to my mom, over the phone. Never give anyone huge life changing news over the phone. My mom said something I will never forget as long as I live. "If your dad does anything to hurt himself becasue of this, you are out of our lifes forever". She hung up.

Two or three days later, I got the tattoo. A simple butterfly, with a rainbow inside. It represents my independence from my parents, being able to fly. It also represents coming out to my parents. I fell in love. Hard. It sucks when you get your heart broken. We never dated. Just friends. Best friends.

Things are very different now. I often wonder what would have happened all those years ago. I guess we'll never know. It makes me sad.

Time with the tribe

Last night, we had student night for our dance studio. We have it at a local retaurant. So much fun. It was also several ladies in the studios birthdays. Such a great time to celebrate. I really needed last night. I really need more of that. Here are a few pictures:

<3

Shimmy Sisters!!!

Joy radiated from her <3

So, that was my night last night. Such a great night! These last few weeks have been busy and crazy. I think I finally have time to think about things and what not. I guess only time will tell what happens.

The day the music went crazy

They announced us. We walk onstage, smiling, ready to rock it. Our music starts then skips two or three times. They can't get the format to work. We have to exit the stage. We have to let two other acts go ahead of us. Cynammon runs to her car and gets her cd. We walk back onstage. This time, Elaine tells the emcee to hold her phone up to the mic because she created a playlist of our music. He does what she tells him, but he keeps moving the mic. We can't hear the base. Scratch that plan. They now try to get the cd to work. We are in place and ready for the music to start. Music starts, we start dancing, music loops over itself and totally skips some parts, or something like that, so we have to dance some things twice and completely cut out others. We finished, strong and proud. I now have a story to tell of my first performance as part of Habbibbi Hips. What a night.

Location:Doucet Rd,Lafayette,United States

Case of the blahs

I've been really down lately. I'm not sure why or what's going on. It's really getting to me, the not knowing. Maybe I need a vacation? I don't know.

I'm sad that #VEDA is ending soon. I now have a lot of new blogs to read and have made new friends, which is wonderful. I hope we remain friends for a very long time. I think I will continue vlogging. I think we're going to do it once a week when August is over.

Remember how exercising like almost everyday at the beginning of August (if you follow me on Twitter, you know)? Well, I gave up on it. I'm so disappointed in myself for doing that. I just need someone to push me, to kick my butt into gear. I know I can do this. Help!

Location:Doucet Rd,Lafayette,United States

Family

I found out Thursday night that my nanny, or godmother for those of you not from southern Louisiana, is in the hospital. Apparently, she lost feeling in her arms and legs. She can feel when her left arm is touched but not her right. She had to learn to walk all over again. She has fluid around her heart and lungs. I really hope that she gets better. Thoughts and prayers would be appreciated :)

Seeing her in that hospital bed made me sad. I just kept thinking about how hateful she is to my mom, who was the last of her siblings (that she still talks to) to know. When my mom told me about it, I was upset. My mom wad upset because she was the last to know. I felt so awful right then because I now know where I get my "look at me, talk to me, are you mad at me?, be my friend, me, me, me" from.....HER. I'm fighting like hell not to be like that. I don't think my mom's happy. It's because she doesn't have many friends to do things with. That's why she's always asking my sister and I if we want to do stuff. I push myself to do stuff with friends, to get put of the house, even if it's just grocery shopping (which I really need to do lol). I just have one question and am scared of the answer: do we really end up like our parents?

Location:Doucet Rd,Lafayette,United States

More about yesterday

Hi. You know me. You watch my vlogs. You read my blog. You follow me on twitter. I thought it would be fun. I said 'what the hell' and dove right in. Yesterdays topic was a tough one. Brought out a lot in everyone. I'm still reeling from it. There's much more I have to say. Here goes.

•I hate feeling excluded, even on the Internet.
•I know I can do better.
•I know there is a better version of myself that wants to come out. Why can't I let her?
•I want to be happy with myself.
•I've watched my mom go through gastric bypass surgery and that scares me. I don't want to end up like that.
•The thought of having children terrifies me.
•I want to be a better blogger and vlogger.
•Why am I always asking for your acceptance?
•Why do I need you to like me?
•Why can't I love myself?

Location:Doucet Rd,Lafayette,United States

Just listen

This goes out to everyone, especially my VEDA-ers. Yesterdays topic was hard for everyone. Love you all. I love your face.

I own no rights to this.

Location:Oak Park Dr,Lafayette,United States

Perspective

My day didn't start off all that great. Work was busy when we opened. I had the "you are annoying me, please go away" look on my face. After taking care of about 3 customers, he walks up to my register. He asks what's wrong, if I'm having a bad day? I tell him that I came into work early and still have work I need to finish. He pays for his items. Tells me he's waiting for a heart transplant. Tells me he hopes I have a better day. All I want to do right then is crawl in a hole and cry. All I can think is 'He's waiting for someone to die so he can live'. I tell him I'll be praying for him. I don't know his name. I pray he gets the heart he needs soon. All my problems seem to so small, insignificant, compared to what he's facing. Live your life like it's your last day. Screw what everyone thinks or says. It's your life. Live it!

Location:U.S. 167,Lafayette,United States

So, as promised from my dailybooth picture, I'll explain why I'm in a funky mood. To be honest, I really don't feel like part of the blogger community or VEDA, for that matter. It feels like everyone has been friends for a while. They comment on each others vlogs, tweets and the like. They want to plan meetups and road trips. I really do like vlogging Last night was #winetoreach. I was able to get on for about 5 minutes. I'm not sure how it went. I just want to connect with people. I want to feel like part of something bigger. I love social media. I want it to love me back hahaha.

Location:Doucet Rd,Lafayette,United States

VEDA Day 14: Drinks

So, this one's short. Enjoy :)

Location:Jefferson St,Lafayette,United States

Something good

I know I've been gone a while. Aside from my once a month FemmeWrites (www.femmewrites.com), I haven't written much. I'm trying to change that, thanks to great irl and online friends. On Aug. 2, I came across a tweet by @writetoreach about something called VEDA (Vlogging Every Day in August). Well, I read her post about it and was hooked! I have vlogged about various topics and am loving it. Go search for kissandhug83 (that's me!) on YouTube and watch me make a fool of myself lol.

So, back in June, I posted about the Oasis Gala. That's the studio where I belly dance. Well, a few weeks after that, I received an invite to audition for one of the two troupes they have. It was a closed audition. Ever since my bff, Elaine, started talking about dancing with the troupe Habbibbi Hips, I've wanted to get it. I felt like a fish out of water at the audition but guess what?!?!? I GOT INTO HABBIBBI HIPS!!! Now, I feel like a fish out of water in the troupe. Sometimes I feel so out of place. I know they've been dancing together for a long time. I've only been belly dancing since Sept. of last year. I've never been part of a dance troupe (although, I was in marching band in high school and college).

So, aside from trying to play catch up, learn new routines, trying to figure out costuming, it's been great. I'm glad I have that to escape. I just channel it all through dance. I'm attending my first ever workshop tomorrow. I'm nervous and excited. There's a double veil workshop on Nov. 6th that I'm super excited about. I ordered a matching veil set off of Etsy. I can't wait for it to come in.

I just want to say that I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for.

Hope y'all have a great day/weekend!

Location:Doucet Rd,Lafayette,United States

Did I really do this to myself?

On the 5th of every month, bloggers from around the world are open to write about rights and issues concerning women. First started by Shine and Marie, we’re hoping to bring a variety of women’s issues to the forefront to make people aware of what’s going on. For the month of August, we’ve chosen to write about Physical and Mental Abuse. Please join us in telling us your stories, thoughts, and ideas on a monthly basis.
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He says he loves me. I believe him. He calls sex "mmmmm" and can't say the words period or vagina. We never make love. He just has sex with me. There is no connection there. I don't want it, but I let him do it anyway....because he loves me.

For years, I wished my parents would get a divorce because they would fight so much. I remember one fight really well. My mom pushed my dad down and said "I see...I see who they are loyal to", talking about my sister and I when we went see about him. She even tried to smash the computer with a cast iron skillet. She called me a few days ago, crying, becasue he called her a bitch when they were arguing. Part of me is really sad for her and another part is really angry. I guess I grew up with the "suck it up" attitude. People know I'm a bitch. When I get called that, I own it. I have no other choice. Let them think what they want. Screw them. I want to give that to her. I want her to feel empowered and strong. I want that for her so much.

Growing up, the "N" word was never said in my house. My grandparents would say it because they grew up with that. I never like that word....EVER. My boyfriends family is racist. They say that word all the time. If I ever have children, I don't want to raise them in that environment. I want them to be accepting of everyone.

All I can think is 'Did I really do this to myself?'

We're all in this together

<a href="http://www.femmewrites.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.femmewrites.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/Femme-Writes-Badge.jpg" alt="" width="160" height="125" /></a>

On the 5th of every month, bloggers from around the world are open to write about rights and issues concerning women. First started by Shine andMarie, we're hoping to bring a variety of women's issues to the forefront to make people aware of what's going on. For the month of July, we've chosen to write about Body Image. Please join us in telling us your stories, thoughts, and ideas on a monthly basis. To read previous installments, click here.

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I would be lying if I said I didn't have body image issues. We all do.  This is what ran through my head when I looked in the mirror this morning: man, I need to tweeze my eyebrows, I'm breaking out....OMG!, my hair so frizzy, I'm so ugly, I need to loose weight, etc, etc . Not once did I stop belittling myself to think "I'm beautiful, I'm worth something. Someone loves me". 

Growing up, I watched my mom struggle with her weight. Diet after diet , failed attempt after failed attempt. Until 2 years ago. My mother underwent gastric bypass surgery. I wasn't sure how to feel about it at the time. I didn't want to end up like her, going under the knife for something I could control. I'm happy she lost the weight, but I still don't think she's happy. Why do we have this notion that if we loose the weight, all of our problems will be solved?  When I hit puberty, my face started breaking out....big time. My mom use to pick at my pimples and blackheads. She did that for years. It takes all I have NOT to that when I look at myself in the mirror now. 

I call myself the "fat friend" because all of my friends are smaller than me. I was a bridesmaid in a friends wedding a few months ago, and she specifically had me try on the bridesmaid dress because I was biggest one in the wedding party. Yeah, thanks for making me feel good about myself. Whenever I go out with another friend of mine, she always gets drinks bought for her, getting told that the sender finds her attractive. Yeah, self esteem in the toilet. 

It might sound to you like I'm blaming my mom and friends, but I'm not. I've learned to look past things that my mom did to my growing up, as well as the way strangers react to my friends. I think it's kind of funny, actually. I know there are things about myself I need to change, but I'm going to start from the inside out. I've been journaling a lot lately and it's helped. I going to start working out, not because I need to but because I miss the way it takes me feel. I've taken up belly dancing and am now part of a troupe. I love it. 

I know we've all heard this before, but we need to stick together as women. Do you really think those celebrities on magazine covers look like that all the time? Yeah, I didn't think so. We need to look deep inside ourselves and find that beautiful women waiting to get out. You are beautiful, you are worth something, you are loved.