Thursday, August 5, 2010

Did I really do this to myself?



On the 5th of every month, bloggers from around the world are open to write about rights and issues concerning women. First started by Shine and Marie, we’re hoping to bring a variety of women’s issues to the forefront to make people aware of what’s going on. For the month of August, we’ve chosen to write about Physical and Mental Abuse. Please join us in telling us your stories, thoughts, and ideas on a monthly basis.
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He says he loves me. I believe him. He calls sex "mmmmm" and can't say the words period or vagina. We never make love. He just has sex with me. There is no connection there. I don't want it, but I let him do it anyway....because he loves me.

For years, I wished my parents would get a divorce because they would fight so much. I remember one fight really well. My mom pushed my dad down and said "I see...I see who they are loyal to", talking about my sister and I when we went see about him. She even tried to smash the computer with a cast iron skillet. She called me a few days ago, crying, becasue he called her a bitch when they were arguing. Part of me is really sad for her and another part is really angry. I guess I grew up with the "suck it up" attitude. People know I'm a bitch. When I get called that, I own it. I have no other choice. Let them think what they want. Screw them. I want to give that to her. I want her to feel empowered and strong. I want that for her so much.

Growing up, the "N" word was never said in my house. My grandparents would say it because they grew up with that. I never like that word....EVER. My boyfriends family is racist. They say that word all the time. If I ever have children, I don't want to raise them in that environment. I want them to be accepting of everyone.

All I can think is 'Did I really do this to myself?'

4 comments:

jeneypeney said...

I know how you feel on so many levels with this post...

Thank you so much for sharing and know that although you may feel stuck, you can always find a way out.

Just stay strong and stick your guts.

Cortney said...

The feelings of possible guilt are vague lingerings of nothing more than emotional black-mail designed to keep you in a loveless "relationship". You must accept things for what they are, allow yourself to believe you are not responsible for every little thing, and ask yourself, not if you did this yourself but, what can you do to help yourself. Continue being the kind, lovely, wonderful person you are and you can have whatever you want. Life is a wheel of changes. Don't let toxic people keep you from being who the world wants, and knows you to be.
CB

shine said...

Thanks for sharing your story this month.

Pam said...

I think you are breaking the cycle in a way. I know you don't let people call you a bitch if you aren't one. You are a stong amazing women. And if you can show your mom that you are one and that you don't stand for that stuff, maybe she might look at it in a different light.

I have noticed a wonderful change in you, over the course of the year and I LOVE it. I can't wait to see more.

As far as the boyfriend...I would feel uncomfortable with him using the 'N' word all the time. But speak up to him. And if there is no connect, I think you should reevaluate why you are in the relationship. If you want to talk about it let me know. I'm just a phone call and a car ride away chick...