Not feeling right

Yesterday was a lot.

Hung out with the best ladies in the world. We has a Disney movie today. Played with two very cute little boys. Man, kids are exhausting. Toward the end of the night, we did readings. Yeah, those where intense. I think I'm still drained.

Woke up this morning not feeling so great. The weather isn't helping. It's so gloomy. I have a contact appointment at 11 and a haircut appointment at 1.

I'm just not feeling all that great. I feel sad and alone. I have trouble filling up my time. This makes me want to work more. That's part of how I deal with things.

Today just doesn't feel right.

On being a woman alone

It freaks me out to sleep by myself. I having done it in a very long time. I had a fabulous lunch with an amazing friend today. I love her. At lunch, we talked about our past relationships. I told her how it freaks me out to sleep alone. She said that it's probably because there's no a warm body next to mine. As sad as it is to say it, I think she's right. I'm sad that I failed as something, even though everyone tells me differently. I'm not use to being by myself. I'm not lonely, I'm alone. I need to learn to be alone again. I need to learn to trust myself again. I need to spend time on me. This is so much easier said than done, but I'm going to try. I know I am loved and that I am strong and can get through anything. I really do have an amazing support system behind me. I don't know where I would be without them. I love y'all.

Grace in Small Things

**my amazing support system
**no one telling me I was doing the wrong thing
**the ability to watch movies for free
**knowing that I am loved and cared for
**knowing that I am strong and can get through anything

The end

I know I have been a slacker with the posting lately. There is a reason, though.

I ended my 3 yr. 4 mo. relationship last night.

It just wasn't working. We've been down this road before. It got to that point again where he was doing and saying nice things because he knew something was wrong. I felt like I gave and gave and never received anything in return. It felt like we were better friends than in a relationship.

It still hurts. Why do I feel like the bad guy? Why do I feel like people are judging me?

My weekend

I haven't posted in a few days. This weekend has left me all out of sorts. Work was entirely too boring, except for Saturday night. Like near tears boring. I slept most of the weekend.

My nanny made it through surgery on Friday. I went visit her yesterday. She's still in a lot of pain. After the visit, Hayley and I had the best coffee in the world (a.k.a Community Coffee), knit, talked then kidnapped our friend Katie. We went to the equivalent of a belly dance garage sale and I made off with some stuff. I never knew I looked good in orange/rust until yesterday. I came home and slept for about eleven to twelve hours.

So, that was my weekend. How about yours?

Oh, I'm super jealous of everyone who gets a three day work week. Lucky!

Grace in Small Things

**I had an amazing weekend with my amazing friends
**having something magical happen around the fire Saturday night
**dancing my solo piece for the first time Monday night
**having AMAZING friends, I really couldn't ask for better people in my life

The truth

He touched the scar on my upper left arm. Asked for a story. I said no and went about my day.

Now I think it's time I share it with you.

I'm a cutter. Well, was a cutter. The last time I cut myself was June 24, 2007. My 24th birthday.

It was a high I couldn't get enough of. I craved it. I carried the razor blade with me everywhere. I was so blinded by it that I didn't realize I was very close to loosing everyone and everything I loved.

They found out by accident. My sister and I were horsing around as my mom was trying to take our picture. She turned my wrist over and that's when they saw it. My started crying, called the doctor, had to make sure I was in no danger of harming myself or others. She let me go to work. I remember her calling me on the way there, telling me I had to get help or she was going to have me committed (she had the right to do that as I was still under their insurance). I freaked out, pulled into a bank parking lot and cried my eyes out. I eventually made it to work, cried some more. It was off to the doctor for me. I was put on meds and went to a therapist. That lasted for about four months. Then the insurance ran out. Fun times, fun times. No more meds, no more therapy.

I struggle on a daily basis to keep myself in check. I talk about it a lot more now. My friends and family know that I need them. I cannot do this alone. I'm thankful they are there. If you, or anyone you know, is suffering from depression and/or thinking about suicide as an out, seek help IMMEDIATELY!!

That's my story.

I won a pair of socks!!

I won something!!

My wonderful friend Tabitha hosted a 'Sock it to me' giveaway.

I enetered this:

Sock it to me

That’s what she said

Sock it to me

Even in bed

Red socks

Blue socks

Big socks

Small

As long as you sock it to me

I want them all

I know it's cheesy, but I'm so excited that I won a pair of socks! I can't wait to see them and show them to you. Thank you, Tabitha, for hosting such a fun giveaway :)



My drug

I have been feeling down ever since we got home Sunday night.

It's like a drug. I can't get enough of it. That's why I'm a performer. I love what I do. I love how it makes me feel. It's a high. I always want more. There's not enough time in the day. I want to do it all the time.

It's my drug.

LARF 2010

So, as promised from the weekend, here are a few pictures and recap.

We woke up around six Saturday morning, got ready and started on the road to Hammond. We weren't even out of Lafayette before the fun started. I decided it would be a great idea to pluck my eyebrows in the car. Yeah, not so much. We stop for coffee. I get out of the car, doors lock and door close before I realize my glasses where not on my face. Yeah, I left them in the car. Thankfully, I'm a coffee addict and know the menu so I don't have to look at anything haha.

We get to Hammond with no problems. Here's a picture of how excited I am to be there:

We walk in the gate and are immediately asked if we are belly dancers and take a picture with this lovely gentleman:

While he is telling us about another belly dancer that will be in the area the following weekend, Creepy Bald Guy walks up. He tries talking to us. No big deal, right? Wrong! CBG follows us around ALL DAY. He even found us on Sunday. Thankfully, we had our protector there:

We where stopped multi times throughout the next two days for pictures with random people. We got free henna:

We danced with live drummers and awesome dancers:

This is a photo of out group near days end on Sunday. It rained, but we still had a wonderful time.

If you ever get a chance to go to a Renissance Festival, GO!! Seriously, I had a wonderful time and some very much needed bonding time with my amazing friends.

Oh, here's another story for you: at the end of the day Saturday, we were invited back to the camp grounds for a drum circle. I've never been to one and was excited to go. After getting food while getting lost on the way to the hotel, we make it back to the camp site. It's a huge fire pit in the woods. If you've never been to one of those, you have to go. We danced around the fire to live drummers. I even zilled. It was amazing. I also grabbed Cort's drum and started playing, having never drummed before. Something happened to me out there that I can describe. I was shimmying, rasing zills over head. I felt something inside I have never felt before. I'm so grateful for it. I'm just sad we had to leave because of Crazy Tamborine Lady. She kept coming up to the drummers and yelling at them, telling them that they were embrassing her and stuff. She was rather annoying. As we were leaving, she was getting fussed at. So, as you can see, we had our share of crazy for the weekend, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I had an amzing time with my awesome friends.

\

What did you do this weekend?



Sneak, Part 2

So, I'm back home after a fantastic weekend. I'll leave you with this:




Stories and more pictures to come tomorrow. Hope you all had a fabulous weekend.

A sneak :)

I'm writing this on the way back to the hotel. I'll leave you with this:




More to come later. Happy Saturday.

Grace in Small Things

This week:
**Going to LARF this weekend with my ladies!!!
**Dancing to live drummers for the first time ever this weekend
**Started working on my sister Christmas present
**Learning how to make a roux from scratch on Monday
**Peppermint white mochas

LARF and fairy wings

On time today!!! Woohoo!! Haha.

Work was so slow today. We were close to climbing the walls we were so bored. I'm super excited for this weekend. I'm going to RenFest!!!! I'm going go dress up like a gypsy and dance my little heart out. I get to buy fairy wings!!!! Super excited. I can't wait to tell you all about it. You should follow me on Twitter to see pics from the weekend.

The one for my friends <3

Man, this post is like an hour too late :( I fail again. Still posting as it where Wednesday because I haven't gone to sleep so it counts. Yes, it does. Don't question it.

I'm going to talk about friends. Ya know, those people who are just all around awesome. Yeah, them. Growing up, I didn't really have many friends, most in part because they or us moved, later in part because I didn't want to bother.

Now that I'm "grown up", whatever that means ,I am just starting to find out what friends are. I'm 27 years old. You'd think I know this, right? Well, not really.

I've just recently learned that I do have people in my life, besides my family and the boy, whom I can turn to. People I can be myself around, who will let me know when I've gone too far, when I've gone crazy and need to take a step back. There are people that I cry those snot cries, ya know where you're cry so hard snot comes out your nose? Yeah, they've seen me like that. I'm sure you've had some too. There are people who will jump up and down with me when we are excited and giggle like little girls. People to talk writing, blogging, pictures and music with. So, yes, that even means people who read my blog and follow me on twitter and all that.

So, I thank you. Thank you for being my wonderful, amazing, oh so awesome, beyond words fantastic, friend. Thank you for teaching how to be a friend. Thank you for teaching me how to love and care for someone in the way only a friend knows how. I love you and so lucky and blessed to have you in my life.

I'm a dance slacker

I came across this post on Facebook by a very dear friend of mine, whom I love very much: Personal admission: If I'm ever going to improve as a dancer, I have to start practicing and dancing outside of classes. There. I said it. Now you all know I'm a dance-slacker.

That is me in a nutshell. Here I sit, not doing anything, when I could be dancing, improving, messing up and starting over. I still sit here. I feel like a horrible dancer only because I let myself feel that way. I freaked out in the car last week, crying and everything, because I felt like an inadequate dancer. Why? Me being me. As you all know, I was sick with past weekend (still have mucus in my chest and head) so I was unable to attend a double veil workshop I so badly wanted to attend. It made me super sad.

I'm just so scared to practice at home because I'm afraid I'm doing it wrong and there's no one there to tell me different. How am I to know?

I've think I've come a very long way in a year of bellydancing. Now, it's just to improve upon it, make it better, keep it going.

Maybe I'm just stupid....or desperate

I must be really stupid. Maybe desperate. I missed a lot of work this weekend because I was sick. I still am. Ask me what I'm doing at work? Making up the hours I missed, I'll tell you. The boy was up at six with a very bad stomach ache and stuff coming out of both ends. He was suppose to work today. Me, being the stupid/desperate person I am, decided to take his shift. My mom and sister were suppose to come see Due Date, which I have already seen. Well, they invited me to lunch instead. My sister jumped my case when she found out I was working. This isn't the first time I've taken his shifts and ruined plans with them. I'm still sick. My sister's mad because she thinks I let him walk all over me and also because my body isn't properly recovering. I'll never get better.

Missed a day

I failed already :( The reason I didn't post yesterday is because I was in bed all day, very sick. So sick in fact, that I had to miss a belly dace workshop I had already paid for. I spent all of yesterday in a Nyquil coma. It was so bad on Friday that I spent the majority of the night communicating with customers on paper. It hurt to much to talk. I'm feeling a little better today, still a little loopy from the Nyquil probably. I think it's from the weather change. I hope you are all taking care of yourselves.

Grace in Small Things

This week:
**Tea and honey
**Ramen noodles
**Oversized comfy sweatshirts
**My dogs that cuddle with me when I go to bed
**Orange juice

This writing thing

So, yeah, as I mentioned on Monday, I'm participating in NaNoWriMo. I have to tell you now, I was crazy to do so. Yeah, that's right, CRAZY!!

I let someone talk me into this. Really, I did. So, I have no one to blame but myself. I'm 5,000 words in and ready to call it quits, but I'm not going to. I am having fun writing and coming up with ideas. It's just finding the time to actually do it. There's so much else going on right now so to find tine to write is hard. I make myself do it everyday.

I now see why it takes people so long to wrote a book.

Maybe I'll get it one day

Yesterday, the suggested topic was to write about a piece of jewelry that was important to you and the story behind that. Well, I'm going to write about that but not. See, I don't own the piece of jewelry I'm talking about. I've never even seen it. But, it's still special to me.

The year I was going to turn thirteen, my maw maw, my mom's mom, passed away. Oh, from those of you not from southern Louisiana, maw maw is what you would call your grandmother. Well, my birthday is in June. She passed away in January. I remember talking to her maybe about a were before she passed, and she told me she was going to get me a silver ring with my birthstone in it (pearl, I think). I was excited because she was going to buy it for. She said it signified me becoming a teenager or something like that. When she passed away, all I could think about was that ring and how I would never receive it. I don't tell many people about this. The ring has since become a symbol of my maw maw's love for me. Every time I think about it, I think about her. Hopefully, some day, I'll get that ring.

How do you know when it's real?

OMG!! I'm posting two days in a row! That's like a record for me or something lol. Today's post in brought to you from a baby shower invite. Yes, that's right. A baby shower invite.

I received this invite a few weeks ago. It was sent to me by two friends who are hosting it for another friend of ours. I cannot attend the shower because of a prior commitment (LA RenFest!!). I had wanted to knit them a baby blanket but now really don't want to. I have tried to keep in touch with friends I had in college. I was (not sure if I still am) part of Sigma Alpha Iota in college. It's the International Music for Women. I am super happy I did it. I made amazing friends through it. I just don't understand how someone can say that they haven't seen me in a long time and say we should get together for coffee but never make any plans. People that were once important in my life, really aren't anymore. Why invite me to a baby shower if you don't keep in touch with me and have no intention to? I'm just confused by this whole thing.

It's that time of year

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. It's NaBloPoMo, or National Blog Posting Month. We post something every day, for an entire month. I think this will be good for me because I feel I've been behind on blogging. I'm am also participating in NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. I've never done either of these before so we will see how it goes.

It stumps me sometimes about what to write about. I post Grace in Small Things every Friday, so that's something. You should do it. It's good to look at the small things in life.

I have a question. When did November sneak up on us? Like really? That means it's almost December. Speaking of November and December, I should let you know that I really don't like the holidays. Where I work, Thanksgiving and Christmas are the busiest days of the year. I can't wait until we hit Jan. 1, 2011. That means the holidays are over for a little while....Yay!!