Dude, I feel like a horrible blogger. I'e written in a week. I've been reading everyone else's almost every day. I want more people to read my blog. I went fill out the application for Bridgeway this afternoon, turned in the app. fee but not the deposit. Didn't know I was suppose to o_o! Started Cajun dance class tonight. It totally rocked! I lead. I would like to learn the girl part, being I'm a girl and all, but I'm a natural leader, I guess. It feels better to me. I'm super excited. I'm looking into taking more dance classes in the fall and getting back into singing! We'll see how it all goes!

I hope everyone has a great week! Hopefully, I'll start to post regularly!

Peace

I have no peace here. I have no place of my own. Cain has the living room, where all his games are. I don't like hanging out in the bedroom all the time. Right now, Cain is sleeping and I'm sitting on the floor typing this. His brother Christian is in the living room, watching something on 360. I just want a space that is mine. When Cain and I are here, just the two of us, it's okay. I go hang out in the living room, usually on my laptop or reading a book, while he plays video games. 

I'm excited and very afraid to move into my own apartment, by myself. I've never lived alone....EVER! I'm afraid that I'm always going to be at the trailer. I don't want to pay rent on an apartment that I'm never going to be at. I won't have Broly. I'm afraid that being apart is going to drive us apart somehow. 

I'm not as strong as I thought. I'm not very assertive. I use to think I was a strong, don't take crap from anyone, feminist. Now, I feel like a wimp. I feel so out of my element at the vet. Last week was HORRIBLE! Amy wasn't going to come to work Saturday because she had been at the ER with her son all night and didn't get the sleep until about 4 that morning (she did come in around 8:30). It was just me and Laura. I have ZERO experience as a vet tech. We had appointments all morning, on top of people wanting to walk in. We had to feed, water and walk the dogs, plus feed, water and change litter boxes for the cats. Yeah, and we had the relief vet there (Dr. Carson was suppose to be out of town). I now know how to get stuff ready for a yearly. I just felt so overwhelmed by everything.

Cain doesn't really seem to care where I'm moving to, isn't helping to look for a safe place for me to live, didn't offer to help with anything. I know that I'm going to move right this time. I can tell you that much. They have already started saving boxes for me at The Grand. I'm going to sit down and pack only what I need. I know, easier said than done. I'm going to ask my friends and sister to help. My sister is an AMAZING packer. 

This afternoon, my mom, sister and I are going listen to a Cajun band at CC's. FREE plus coffee = VERY HAPPY HEATHER!!

Can't wait for Tuesday! We are having ladies night. I don't know where we are going eat but I know we are going to Artmosphere after to listen to a band. I will bring my camera. Speaking of camera, I need to downlaod pictures and post them LOL.

I hope you all have a great day!

THAT girl

• Mar. 10th, 2009 at 9:08 PM

I NEVER thought I'd be that girl. I never thought I'd be that girl who's life revolved around her boyfriend, who gave up stuff with friends and family because of her boyfriend, who doesn't recognize herself........ALL BECAUSE OF A BOY. How pathetic is that? I look at my life a few years ago and miss that strong, independent woman who knew what she wanted (or at least had an idea) and how to get it ,who was head strong, took no crap crap from anyone. I miss the woman in me. I miss having just ME time, where I don't have to do anything or feel bad for doing something without him. I know if I'd talk to Cain about this, he would say that he didn't stop from doing all that stuff, that I did that to myself. Part of that is true. He never did stop me from being me, but part of me gave up myself for him, because I'm in a relationship with him. I don't know if any of this makes any sense.

So, anyone know of any one bedroom's available by August in the Lafayette area? Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I'm leaning toward a one bedroom. I seriously need to get back to myself, to find out who I am and what I want.

I think I know

He's buying a trailer. It's right behind his brother's. It's across the street from our apartment complex. I was toying with the idea of moving in with him. It's small. I would have to put ALL of my stuff in storage, which I don't think it very fair. I asked him last week if he would it would be just the two of us, he said yes. We talked about it Sunday. He said he never remembers saying that. He's going to convert the wash room (once a bedroom) back into a bedroom so Ben(disgusting male), the roommate, can move in. I told him I wasn't moving in with him. He thinks it's no big deal. That hurts a little. I just think it's too small for all of us. I know his mom and step-dad are going to make it look nice but nothing compares to space. I walked in and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I cried a majority of the day on Saturday. I have to either find a roommate or look for a one bedroom apartment by August, when the lease on this one is up. I would like to find a roommate and stay in the apartment but I don't know how possible that it. I don't want to live with someone I don't know. Everyone is telling me that maybe living on my own will be a good thing. I've never really lived on my own, come to think of it. I went straight from my parents house to living with Cain. Even before officially living with him, I was at the apartment a majority, if not all, of the time. It just makes me sad that we won't be living together anymore, that I won't have Broly. Everyone says not to worry about it, that I'll see him (Broly) on the weekends. He's slept with me every night since June 13, 2008, the day we brought our 4 week old puppy home. That's my baby. I know it's not until August but just thinking about this makes me super sad and wanting to cry. We can't talk about it because every time we do, I end up crying and/or yelling, mostly yelling. I majorly need time for myself so maybe this will be a good thing. Only time will tell, I guess.

A little ways back

So, I've turned into that girlfriend. I don't like that fact that they hang out when I'm sleeping. I told him this morning that I think it's in appropriate that he tells her everything that goes on in our relationship. I told him that I feel like he's hiding stuff from me. I've become that girlfriend that reads his text messages. I hate that I'm like that. That's not me. I told him that I feel like he doesn't want to be with me. He told me he does, that he's not hiding anything from me. I know nothing is going on. I do, I really do. But, for some reason, I can't shake this feeling. I hate it so so so much.

Things will be okay. They will get better. Blah. I just need to get over it.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

More backwards

• Feb. 18th, 2009 at 12:09 PM

I know it's been a while since I've written. First, I want to say that things between Cain and I are better. The whole hanging out with Brittney still bothers me a little but I have to trust him. I know they where best friends before I came along. I don't want to be the reason they aren't friends. They didn't talk for over a year because of a misconmunication between her and Cain when we first started dating. I think it's great that they are friends. He is getting better about asking to go hang out with her. I'm not going to stop him. If they do hang out, he lets me know. He's learning to compromise. There is still a lot to work on but we are getting there. It can only go up from here, right?

I have to say, I am enjoying my Sundays off. It's nice to do whatever I want when I want.

I really want to quit The Grand. That becomes more apparent ever single time I work. Hopefully, I won't be here much longer. Work at the vet sucks right now, as well. We are super short handed because he fired another girl Monday. Yeah, just great. She was mean and rude. She totally had it out for another co-worker, made this girls life hell at work. All she would talk about was her kid. She was loud and would rip stuff out of peoples hands without asking. Yeah, glad she's gone.

Cain and I had Valentines on Sunday. We stayed in bed all morning, tried to clean that afternoon LOL and went eat out that night. It was nice.

I blame the weather on my mood. I'm feeling sad. I want to cry. I feel like my life is headed nowhere. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm not going to get anywhere. I hate when I'm like this.

Ladies night last night was great. We picked up food and dessert from Fresh Market and headed back to the apartment. We watched Clerks and ate chocolate fondue and strawberries :-)

I hope you all have a lovely day.

Backwards

• Jan. 28th, 2009 at 12:30 PM

It's been a while since I've updated :-( There is lots to tell. My goal for this year is to pay off my credit card debt. I also wanted to write in LJ more, which I had been doing but lost track off over the last week or so. For that, I am sorry.

The last two weeks at the vet have sucked. We've been so busy. People think they can just drop off their animals and that's fine. WRONG!! Make an appointment to be seen or make one to drop your animal off, at least we know you're coming.

Monday FAILED!! Major. One of my co-workers, Lisa, was fired. She was never at work. She has major back and head issues so that's part of it. The rest of the day sucked. I wanted to go home so bad.

I get home and the fail continues. I get in from walking Broly and Cain is standing in the living room, crying. My first thought was his grandmother had died. She didn't, which is great. He said 'I love you but I can't live like this anymore.' It felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. He said it was to stressful on him, that he couldn't handle it. He said he didn't want me to hate him, that he wanted to still be friends, best friends, to go watch movies. I just looked at him, all the while trying to catch my breath. We talked. I told him I wasn't breaking up with him. We would figure something out. We both have stuff we need to work on. I even offered to quit the grand if that's what he wanted. He said no because he knows how important paying off my debt is. We decided that we are going to try. I know we can make it work. We've decided to take things slow. That's all we can do for right now.

Before work this morning, I started crying. He asked what was wrong. I asked if I was his best friend. He said I was his girlfriend. He said I was his number one. The reason this is all coming up is because he started hanging out with Britney again. They use to be best friends and hadn't spoken for over a year. I think it's good that they are reconnecting and hanging out again. I'm just worries that he's sharing stuff with her, that he's not sharing with me. I know that sounds stupid but it's the way I feel. I'm glad we are talking. We need to do more of it.