Yeah, read what she has to say

Simply ME...: NO, I don't owe you an explanation

Yeah, I think this says it all about me and friendship. It's sad to think I am like this. I'm glad I am about to recognize, admit it and start correcting it right away, though. Gotta give myself props for that. I'm proud of myself. Prouder than I've been in a very long time. Go me.

Tattoos

I think this is the next tattoo I want to get. I'm not sure about the fist in the middle yet. I want to get it on my ribs. Maybe on both sides. I would want it in pink because I like that color. What are your feelings on tattoo's and body modification? I recently stumbled upon my dear friend Amy's blog about the subject she kept two years ago. It looks like it was for a class or a project. I think I want this one too Posted a link to her body blog, as I like to call it. That specific link is to another tattoo I'm thinking about getting.

Oh, great news. All I have to do it turn in a 30 day notice at current apartment and Kelly, the lady who helped me with everything at Bridgeway, said she could get me approved there! So basically, I HAVE THE APARTMENT!! It made me a little sad though, to think that I have to move and don't want to. Everyone says I'm going to like it though. I think I am too, I just have to give it time. Now, it's on to packing!! This is where my sister and friends come in LOL.

Pushing

I push people away. I've been doing it all of my life. I make friends for a few years then it's gone, usually because of me. Why let someone in when they aren't going to be around forever? I keep people at arms length, never letting anyone fully in. That's a sad way to live. I know it is. Sometimes I think I'm just better off alone. People find me depressing. I don't have much to live for.

Oh, little girls

Still haven't heard back from the apartment people. I really hope I get it. I need this. I need something good.

I'm craving aloneness right now. I desperately need quiet. I need a place to call my own. I need to find myself again.

Growing up, little girls are given kitchen sets and baby dolls to play "house" with. Yeah, we start 'em young. Although I enjoy cooking and cleaning (yes, I am crazy LOL), I hate to think that's what my mother had in mind for me, to be some man's housewife. To wait on him and and foot and raise a family. I feel like I've fallen into that role. I know we aren't married. I know we don't have a kid.

I need peace and quiet.

Dancing and alone

Yeah, Cajun dancing is a lot of fun. Wasn't able to hang with the ladies tonight. That sucked. They kept emailing each other plans for tonight, reminding me with every one that I wasn't able to go :-( There's always next week :-) Everyone's worried about the new auditor for The Grand. I'm not really all that worried. Nothing sticks anyway. We'll go by the rules for about a week then it is all forgotten. We play their game for a little while. It sucks but oh well. Whatever. I'll do whatever they want tomorrow.

Hayley called me self righteous. For a close friend to think that about you sucks. Yeah, I didn't think I was that bad until the emails about the plans started. I know I couldn't go (we were celebrating Cain's brother's bday) so why was I all upset that they were emailing plans. Double edge sword. Because I couldn't go. Yeah, makes no sense to me. I'm a stupid girl.

I realize day by day, more and more, how much I need to be alone. I need to be with myself again. I need to spend time in aloneness, not to be confused with loneliness, which is different. I need time for myself.

I'm having the hardest time putting photos in my entries. Any advice?

Turtles

I love turtles. All kinds really. I love sea turtles because from the time they are born, they are fighters. They have to fight to make it to the water, they have to fight to survive. Kind of reminds me of myself when I was born. I was born three months premature, spent months in the NICU and I'm still here today. Says a lot about the human spirit.