Monday Blues

It's been a blah Monday. I just did not want to do anything. I got to work and couldn't wait to go home. The day just dragged on. Work couldn't end soon enough. About 20-30 minutes before work ended, the wind, thunder and lightening started. Then the rain came!! YAY!! We haven't had rain in a month. It was great. I ended up not going shopping. I just went home. I didn't even get the puppy. I took a shower, folded clothes and am now watching TV. I'm PMSing bad. I've wanted to eat everything in site all weekend. It sucks. I want everything fried and chocolate.

I just don't want to do anything anymore.

It's been too long

I know I haven't posted in what seems like forever, and I'm sorry. I do want to up my readership so I better start writing.

So, I'm in the new apartment. I didn't spend much time there last week because I had to flea bomb the place. Yeah, it sucked. I still need to unpack and put everything where it needs to go. I hate that part. Pictures will come when it's done; hopefully soon. Trunks is doing well. He's learning the meaning of the word 'NO'. It's still a little rough without Cain and Broly but we try to see them often. I don't want to go over there all the time because I only think it's fair that he comes to me. Once a week isn't going to cut it (lunch on Sundays). I'm still a little sad when I go home but I know it's for the better. I need to get use to begin by myself and going to his place all the time isn't going to help. I now have Internet, cable and telephone. Yay!!

I really miss time with my ladies. Last night, Lauren, Monica and I hung out. It was fun. I can't wait for Katie to get back from Korea. I know she's having a fabulous time and I'm happy for her. It's been a while since all four of us have been together. Speaking of which, Hayley moved out of her parents house. Yay for her! Monica is buming around, either with her mom or friends becasue Lucas' family moved to Oklahoma, where him and his dad work. It all happened on the same weekend. Cain said he was never moving he again, that he would hire movers the next time. As I unpack, I'm trying to get rid of stuff I don't need/use. I will hopefully get my kitchen table soon. I need to switch cable from my bedroom to the living room.

Oh, drama alert. When the talk of moving into the apartment started, I told Erin and Lauren (supposed friends) that I couldn't afford the deposit and 1st months rent. They were shocked and "hurt", as Lauren put it. She sent me a text saying how I asked for their help, then they go out of their way to figure stuff out for me and I reject it. EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?!!! I NEVER asked for anyones help in finding a place to live, or with anything for that matter. I am a grown as woman. I can do things on my own. Yeah, I know I could have said 'no' to them about the apartment. I kind of feel like I was guilted into living there. It's my own place now so I'm making the best of it. Lauren then said she would talk to the landlord about keeping the deposit for me and me just paying them back. That was fine with me. Well, yesterday, I get a text from Lauren telling me that she's been trying to get in touch with me for three days (this is true) and if I didn't get in touch
with her by 9, she was going to forced to take me to small claims court. I messages back, not because she threatened me, but because I wanted her address. She wouldn't give it to me. She's going to pick up some of the money next Tuesday at The Grand. I'm going to pay the rest of the money next month then I am done with them. I feel like Lauren does this kid of stuff for people, without asking them, to make herself feel good. Then, when they don't respond in the manner she wants, she's gets all offended and puts it back on that person, making them feel horrible. I don't want to be associated with that, ever again. It's wrong to treat people that way.

Oh, Brittney's aunt brings her dogs to the vet I work at. She told Brittney, who told Cain, who told me, that I wasn't very nice to her. That woman is never nice to me when she comes in, no matter how hard I try. Speaking of which, I am trying to have a better attitude at both of my jobs. I know I'm lucky have a job, much less two, so I better make the near of it.

I realized yesterday that I really need to lose weight. We eat out waayyyyy too much. I want to start cooking more and eating at home. Trunks and I went for a walk this morning around the park across the street. I need to start getting up earlier and going walk. I need to complete lifestyle change.

What's been going on in your life?

So, here's what's going on

I'm not moving in with Cain. I did not get the first apartment because I have bad credit and no previous rent history. At this point, I had two options: move in with Cain or go back home. As much as I didn't want to move in because of Ben, I was willing to give it a try. Enter Lauren. Her, her gf and Erin have decided to rent a house together. That leaves Laurens apartment up for rent. I never asked them for help. Never. They told their landlord that I was interested in the apartment. I don't think I ever said I was interested in it. I told them I couldn't afford the deposit. They talked to their landlord about keeping the deposit for me and I would pay them back little by little (in about 2-3 months). I hate that they did that. I really do. Cain is sad that I'm moving. I'm sad that I'm moving. I know he said things would different at the trailer because it would be his, but I don't like living with Ben. I've been crying for the past two days because of
this. Maybe this will be good for us. I think I owe it to myself because I've never lived on my own before. I'm giving it six months. Cain and I agreed that, after six months, if I didn't like it, I could move in the trailer. I guess we will see how it goes.

I know it's not much but DO IT!

I got this idea from my dear friend Erin. I'm really thinking about doing it. I would love love love to see what everyone else comes up with. So, if you are able to, please do this. I can't wait. I'll try to post mine soon.

I start moving in a week and a half and have NOTHING packed. I need serious help. I have no motivation at all. I promise a real post will come after I move and get Internet set up. Hopefully, that happens soon after I move. Hope everyone is doing well.

Getting to know you

I got this idea from Pam!. It's such a good idea and a great way to get to know my audience so go for it!

1.When did you first discover blogging?
2. What is the first blog you remember reading?
3. Why do you blog (and how often)?
4. How often do you read others' blogs (and how many do you follow)?
5. What did you do before blogging?


I'll be first! Here are my answers:
1.It was about 5 years ago. I had a blog before then that was deleted because my parents found out. Long story.....good topic for a future post LOL!
2. I think it was someone on LiveJournal's. Yeah, I have two blogs
3. I don't blog often enough. I know I need to change that. Again, another great post.
4. I read just about every day. I follow most of what I read. I love hearing what people have to say and what's going on out there.
5. I really don't know. I tried keeping a journal. I started one last year and wrote in it everyday for a while (that was my goal) but somewhere along the way, all of them seem to get lost or forgotten.

Yeah, read what she has to say

Simply ME...: NO, I don't owe you an explanation

Yeah, I think this says it all about me and friendship. It's sad to think I am like this. I'm glad I am about to recognize, admit it and start correcting it right away, though. Gotta give myself props for that. I'm proud of myself. Prouder than I've been in a very long time. Go me.

Tattoos

I think this is the next tattoo I want to get. I'm not sure about the fist in the middle yet. I want to get it on my ribs. Maybe on both sides. I would want it in pink because I like that color. What are your feelings on tattoo's and body modification? I recently stumbled upon my dear friend Amy's blog about the subject she kept two years ago. It looks like it was for a class or a project. I think I want this one too Posted a link to her body blog, as I like to call it. That specific link is to another tattoo I'm thinking about getting.

Oh, great news. All I have to do it turn in a 30 day notice at current apartment and Kelly, the lady who helped me with everything at Bridgeway, said she could get me approved there! So basically, I HAVE THE APARTMENT!! It made me a little sad though, to think that I have to move and don't want to. Everyone says I'm going to like it though. I think I am too, I just have to give it time. Now, it's on to packing!! This is where my sister and friends come in LOL.

Pushing

I push people away. I've been doing it all of my life. I make friends for a few years then it's gone, usually because of me. Why let someone in when they aren't going to be around forever? I keep people at arms length, never letting anyone fully in. That's a sad way to live. I know it is. Sometimes I think I'm just better off alone. People find me depressing. I don't have much to live for.

Oh, little girls

Still haven't heard back from the apartment people. I really hope I get it. I need this. I need something good.

I'm craving aloneness right now. I desperately need quiet. I need a place to call my own. I need to find myself again.

Growing up, little girls are given kitchen sets and baby dolls to play "house" with. Yeah, we start 'em young. Although I enjoy cooking and cleaning (yes, I am crazy LOL), I hate to think that's what my mother had in mind for me, to be some man's housewife. To wait on him and and foot and raise a family. I feel like I've fallen into that role. I know we aren't married. I know we don't have a kid.

I need peace and quiet.

Dancing and alone

Yeah, Cajun dancing is a lot of fun. Wasn't able to hang with the ladies tonight. That sucked. They kept emailing each other plans for tonight, reminding me with every one that I wasn't able to go :-( There's always next week :-) Everyone's worried about the new auditor for The Grand. I'm not really all that worried. Nothing sticks anyway. We'll go by the rules for about a week then it is all forgotten. We play their game for a little while. It sucks but oh well. Whatever. I'll do whatever they want tomorrow.

Hayley called me self righteous. For a close friend to think that about you sucks. Yeah, I didn't think I was that bad until the emails about the plans started. I know I couldn't go (we were celebrating Cain's brother's bday) so why was I all upset that they were emailing plans. Double edge sword. Because I couldn't go. Yeah, makes no sense to me. I'm a stupid girl.

I realize day by day, more and more, how much I need to be alone. I need to be with myself again. I need to spend time in aloneness, not to be confused with loneliness, which is different. I need time for myself.

I'm having the hardest time putting photos in my entries. Any advice?

Turtles

I love turtles. All kinds really. I love sea turtles because from the time they are born, they are fighters. They have to fight to make it to the water, they have to fight to survive. Kind of reminds me of myself when I was born. I was born three months premature, spent months in the NICU and I'm still here today. Says a lot about the human spirit.

Dude, I feel like a horrible blogger. I'e written in a week. I've been reading everyone else's almost every day. I want more people to read my blog. I went fill out the application for Bridgeway this afternoon, turned in the app. fee but not the deposit. Didn't know I was suppose to o_o! Started Cajun dance class tonight. It totally rocked! I lead. I would like to learn the girl part, being I'm a girl and all, but I'm a natural leader, I guess. It feels better to me. I'm super excited. I'm looking into taking more dance classes in the fall and getting back into singing! We'll see how it all goes!

I hope everyone has a great week! Hopefully, I'll start to post regularly!

Peace

I have no peace here. I have no place of my own. Cain has the living room, where all his games are. I don't like hanging out in the bedroom all the time. Right now, Cain is sleeping and I'm sitting on the floor typing this. His brother Christian is in the living room, watching something on 360. I just want a space that is mine. When Cain and I are here, just the two of us, it's okay. I go hang out in the living room, usually on my laptop or reading a book, while he plays video games. 

I'm excited and very afraid to move into my own apartment, by myself. I've never lived alone....EVER! I'm afraid that I'm always going to be at the trailer. I don't want to pay rent on an apartment that I'm never going to be at. I won't have Broly. I'm afraid that being apart is going to drive us apart somehow. 

I'm not as strong as I thought. I'm not very assertive. I use to think I was a strong, don't take crap from anyone, feminist. Now, I feel like a wimp. I feel so out of my element at the vet. Last week was HORRIBLE! Amy wasn't going to come to work Saturday because she had been at the ER with her son all night and didn't get the sleep until about 4 that morning (she did come in around 8:30). It was just me and Laura. I have ZERO experience as a vet tech. We had appointments all morning, on top of people wanting to walk in. We had to feed, water and walk the dogs, plus feed, water and change litter boxes for the cats. Yeah, and we had the relief vet there (Dr. Carson was suppose to be out of town). I now know how to get stuff ready for a yearly. I just felt so overwhelmed by everything.

Cain doesn't really seem to care where I'm moving to, isn't helping to look for a safe place for me to live, didn't offer to help with anything. I know that I'm going to move right this time. I can tell you that much. They have already started saving boxes for me at The Grand. I'm going to sit down and pack only what I need. I know, easier said than done. I'm going to ask my friends and sister to help. My sister is an AMAZING packer. 

This afternoon, my mom, sister and I are going listen to a Cajun band at CC's. FREE plus coffee = VERY HAPPY HEATHER!!

Can't wait for Tuesday! We are having ladies night. I don't know where we are going eat but I know we are going to Artmosphere after to listen to a band. I will bring my camera. Speaking of camera, I need to downlaod pictures and post them LOL.

I hope you all have a great day!

THAT girl

• Mar. 10th, 2009 at 9:08 PM

I NEVER thought I'd be that girl. I never thought I'd be that girl who's life revolved around her boyfriend, who gave up stuff with friends and family because of her boyfriend, who doesn't recognize herself........ALL BECAUSE OF A BOY. How pathetic is that? I look at my life a few years ago and miss that strong, independent woman who knew what she wanted (or at least had an idea) and how to get it ,who was head strong, took no crap crap from anyone. I miss the woman in me. I miss having just ME time, where I don't have to do anything or feel bad for doing something without him. I know if I'd talk to Cain about this, he would say that he didn't stop from doing all that stuff, that I did that to myself. Part of that is true. He never did stop me from being me, but part of me gave up myself for him, because I'm in a relationship with him. I don't know if any of this makes any sense.

So, anyone know of any one bedroom's available by August in the Lafayette area? Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I'm leaning toward a one bedroom. I seriously need to get back to myself, to find out who I am and what I want.

I think I know

He's buying a trailer. It's right behind his brother's. It's across the street from our apartment complex. I was toying with the idea of moving in with him. It's small. I would have to put ALL of my stuff in storage, which I don't think it very fair. I asked him last week if he would it would be just the two of us, he said yes. We talked about it Sunday. He said he never remembers saying that. He's going to convert the wash room (once a bedroom) back into a bedroom so Ben(disgusting male), the roommate, can move in. I told him I wasn't moving in with him. He thinks it's no big deal. That hurts a little. I just think it's too small for all of us. I know his mom and step-dad are going to make it look nice but nothing compares to space. I walked in and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I cried a majority of the day on Saturday. I have to either find a roommate or look for a one bedroom apartment by August, when the lease on this one is up. I would like to find a roommate and stay in the apartment but I don't know how possible that it. I don't want to live with someone I don't know. Everyone is telling me that maybe living on my own will be a good thing. I've never really lived on my own, come to think of it. I went straight from my parents house to living with Cain. Even before officially living with him, I was at the apartment a majority, if not all, of the time. It just makes me sad that we won't be living together anymore, that I won't have Broly. Everyone says not to worry about it, that I'll see him (Broly) on the weekends. He's slept with me every night since June 13, 2008, the day we brought our 4 week old puppy home. That's my baby. I know it's not until August but just thinking about this makes me super sad and wanting to cry. We can't talk about it because every time we do, I end up crying and/or yelling, mostly yelling. I majorly need time for myself so maybe this will be a good thing. Only time will tell, I guess.

A little ways back

So, I've turned into that girlfriend. I don't like that fact that they hang out when I'm sleeping. I told him this morning that I think it's in appropriate that he tells her everything that goes on in our relationship. I told him that I feel like he's hiding stuff from me. I've become that girlfriend that reads his text messages. I hate that I'm like that. That's not me. I told him that I feel like he doesn't want to be with me. He told me he does, that he's not hiding anything from me. I know nothing is going on. I do, I really do. But, for some reason, I can't shake this feeling. I hate it so so so much.

Things will be okay. They will get better. Blah. I just need to get over it.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

More backwards

• Feb. 18th, 2009 at 12:09 PM

I know it's been a while since I've written. First, I want to say that things between Cain and I are better. The whole hanging out with Brittney still bothers me a little but I have to trust him. I know they where best friends before I came along. I don't want to be the reason they aren't friends. They didn't talk for over a year because of a misconmunication between her and Cain when we first started dating. I think it's great that they are friends. He is getting better about asking to go hang out with her. I'm not going to stop him. If they do hang out, he lets me know. He's learning to compromise. There is still a lot to work on but we are getting there. It can only go up from here, right?

I have to say, I am enjoying my Sundays off. It's nice to do whatever I want when I want.

I really want to quit The Grand. That becomes more apparent ever single time I work. Hopefully, I won't be here much longer. Work at the vet sucks right now, as well. We are super short handed because he fired another girl Monday. Yeah, just great. She was mean and rude. She totally had it out for another co-worker, made this girls life hell at work. All she would talk about was her kid. She was loud and would rip stuff out of peoples hands without asking. Yeah, glad she's gone.

Cain and I had Valentines on Sunday. We stayed in bed all morning, tried to clean that afternoon LOL and went eat out that night. It was nice.

I blame the weather on my mood. I'm feeling sad. I want to cry. I feel like my life is headed nowhere. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm not going to get anywhere. I hate when I'm like this.

Ladies night last night was great. We picked up food and dessert from Fresh Market and headed back to the apartment. We watched Clerks and ate chocolate fondue and strawberries :-)

I hope you all have a lovely day.

Backwards

• Jan. 28th, 2009 at 12:30 PM

It's been a while since I've updated :-( There is lots to tell. My goal for this year is to pay off my credit card debt. I also wanted to write in LJ more, which I had been doing but lost track off over the last week or so. For that, I am sorry.

The last two weeks at the vet have sucked. We've been so busy. People think they can just drop off their animals and that's fine. WRONG!! Make an appointment to be seen or make one to drop your animal off, at least we know you're coming.

Monday FAILED!! Major. One of my co-workers, Lisa, was fired. She was never at work. She has major back and head issues so that's part of it. The rest of the day sucked. I wanted to go home so bad.

I get home and the fail continues. I get in from walking Broly and Cain is standing in the living room, crying. My first thought was his grandmother had died. She didn't, which is great. He said 'I love you but I can't live like this anymore.' It felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. He said it was to stressful on him, that he couldn't handle it. He said he didn't want me to hate him, that he wanted to still be friends, best friends, to go watch movies. I just looked at him, all the while trying to catch my breath. We talked. I told him I wasn't breaking up with him. We would figure something out. We both have stuff we need to work on. I even offered to quit the grand if that's what he wanted. He said no because he knows how important paying off my debt is. We decided that we are going to try. I know we can make it work. We've decided to take things slow. That's all we can do for right now.

Before work this morning, I started crying. He asked what was wrong. I asked if I was his best friend. He said I was his girlfriend. He said I was his number one. The reason this is all coming up is because he started hanging out with Britney again. They use to be best friends and hadn't spoken for over a year. I think it's good that they are reconnecting and hanging out again. I'm just worries that he's sharing stuff with her, that he's not sharing with me. I know that sounds stupid but it's the way I feel. I'm glad we are talking. We need to do more of it.

Really?

Sometimes I wonder if this is really it