More about yesterday

Hi. You know me. You watch my vlogs. You read my blog. You follow me on twitter. I thought it would be fun. I said 'what the hell' and dove right in. Yesterdays topic was a tough one. Brought out a lot in everyone. I'm still reeling from it. There's much more I have to say. Here goes.

•I hate feeling excluded, even on the Internet.
•I know I can do better.
•I know there is a better version of myself that wants to come out. Why can't I let her?
•I want to be happy with myself.
•I've watched my mom go through gastric bypass surgery and that scares me. I don't want to end up like that.
•The thought of having children terrifies me.
•I want to be a better blogger and vlogger.
•Why am I always asking for your acceptance?
•Why do I need you to like me?
•Why can't I love myself?

Location:Doucet Rd,Lafayette,United States

Just listen

This goes out to everyone, especially my VEDA-ers. Yesterdays topic was hard for everyone. Love you all. I love your face.

I own no rights to this.

Location:Oak Park Dr,Lafayette,United States

Perspective

My day didn't start off all that great. Work was busy when we opened. I had the "you are annoying me, please go away" look on my face. After taking care of about 3 customers, he walks up to my register. He asks what's wrong, if I'm having a bad day? I tell him that I came into work early and still have work I need to finish. He pays for his items. Tells me he's waiting for a heart transplant. Tells me he hopes I have a better day. All I want to do right then is crawl in a hole and cry. All I can think is 'He's waiting for someone to die so he can live'. I tell him I'll be praying for him. I don't know his name. I pray he gets the heart he needs soon. All my problems seem to so small, insignificant, compared to what he's facing. Live your life like it's your last day. Screw what everyone thinks or says. It's your life. Live it!

Location:U.S. 167,Lafayette,United States

So, as promised from my dailybooth picture, I'll explain why I'm in a funky mood. To be honest, I really don't feel like part of the blogger community or VEDA, for that matter. It feels like everyone has been friends for a while. They comment on each others vlogs, tweets and the like. They want to plan meetups and road trips. I really do like vlogging Last night was #winetoreach. I was able to get on for about 5 minutes. I'm not sure how it went. I just want to connect with people. I want to feel like part of something bigger. I love social media. I want it to love me back hahaha.

Location:Doucet Rd,Lafayette,United States

VEDA Day 14: Drinks

So, this one's short. Enjoy :)

Location:Jefferson St,Lafayette,United States

Something good

I know I've been gone a while. Aside from my once a month FemmeWrites (www.femmewrites.com), I haven't written much. I'm trying to change that, thanks to great irl and online friends. On Aug. 2, I came across a tweet by @writetoreach about something called VEDA (Vlogging Every Day in August). Well, I read her post about it and was hooked! I have vlogged about various topics and am loving it. Go search for kissandhug83 (that's me!) on YouTube and watch me make a fool of myself lol.

So, back in June, I posted about the Oasis Gala. That's the studio where I belly dance. Well, a few weeks after that, I received an invite to audition for one of the two troupes they have. It was a closed audition. Ever since my bff, Elaine, started talking about dancing with the troupe Habbibbi Hips, I've wanted to get it. I felt like a fish out of water at the audition but guess what?!?!? I GOT INTO HABBIBBI HIPS!!! Now, I feel like a fish out of water in the troupe. Sometimes I feel so out of place. I know they've been dancing together for a long time. I've only been belly dancing since Sept. of last year. I've never been part of a dance troupe (although, I was in marching band in high school and college).

So, aside from trying to play catch up, learn new routines, trying to figure out costuming, it's been great. I'm glad I have that to escape. I just channel it all through dance. I'm attending my first ever workshop tomorrow. I'm nervous and excited. There's a double veil workshop on Nov. 6th that I'm super excited about. I ordered a matching veil set off of Etsy. I can't wait for it to come in.

I just want to say that I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for.

Hope y'all have a great day/weekend!

Location:Doucet Rd,Lafayette,United States

Did I really do this to myself?

On the 5th of every month, bloggers from around the world are open to write about rights and issues concerning women. First started by Shine and Marie, we’re hoping to bring a variety of women’s issues to the forefront to make people aware of what’s going on. For the month of August, we’ve chosen to write about Physical and Mental Abuse. Please join us in telling us your stories, thoughts, and ideas on a monthly basis.
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He says he loves me. I believe him. He calls sex "mmmmm" and can't say the words period or vagina. We never make love. He just has sex with me. There is no connection there. I don't want it, but I let him do it anyway....because he loves me.

For years, I wished my parents would get a divorce because they would fight so much. I remember one fight really well. My mom pushed my dad down and said "I see...I see who they are loyal to", talking about my sister and I when we went see about him. She even tried to smash the computer with a cast iron skillet. She called me a few days ago, crying, becasue he called her a bitch when they were arguing. Part of me is really sad for her and another part is really angry. I guess I grew up with the "suck it up" attitude. People know I'm a bitch. When I get called that, I own it. I have no other choice. Let them think what they want. Screw them. I want to give that to her. I want her to feel empowered and strong. I want that for her so much.

Growing up, the "N" word was never said in my house. My grandparents would say it because they grew up with that. I never like that word....EVER. My boyfriends family is racist. They say that word all the time. If I ever have children, I don't want to raise them in that environment. I want them to be accepting of everyone.

All I can think is 'Did I really do this to myself?'

We're all in this together

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On the 5th of every month, bloggers from around the world are open to write about rights and issues concerning women. First started by Shine andMarie, we're hoping to bring a variety of women's issues to the forefront to make people aware of what's going on. For the month of July, we've chosen to write about Body Image. Please join us in telling us your stories, thoughts, and ideas on a monthly basis. To read previous installments, click here.

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I would be lying if I said I didn't have body image issues. We all do.  This is what ran through my head when I looked in the mirror this morning: man, I need to tweeze my eyebrows, I'm breaking out....OMG!, my hair so frizzy, I'm so ugly, I need to loose weight, etc, etc . Not once did I stop belittling myself to think "I'm beautiful, I'm worth something. Someone loves me". 

Growing up, I watched my mom struggle with her weight. Diet after diet , failed attempt after failed attempt. Until 2 years ago. My mother underwent gastric bypass surgery. I wasn't sure how to feel about it at the time. I didn't want to end up like her, going under the knife for something I could control. I'm happy she lost the weight, but I still don't think she's happy. Why do we have this notion that if we loose the weight, all of our problems will be solved?  When I hit puberty, my face started breaking out....big time. My mom use to pick at my pimples and blackheads. She did that for years. It takes all I have NOT to that when I look at myself in the mirror now. 

I call myself the "fat friend" because all of my friends are smaller than me. I was a bridesmaid in a friends wedding a few months ago, and she specifically had me try on the bridesmaid dress because I was biggest one in the wedding party. Yeah, thanks for making me feel good about myself. Whenever I go out with another friend of mine, she always gets drinks bought for her, getting told that the sender finds her attractive. Yeah, self esteem in the toilet. 

It might sound to you like I'm blaming my mom and friends, but I'm not. I've learned to look past things that my mom did to my growing up, as well as the way strangers react to my friends. I think it's kind of funny, actually. I know there are things about myself I need to change, but I'm going to start from the inside out. I've been journaling a lot lately and it's helped. I going to start working out, not because I need to but because I miss the way it takes me feel. I've taken up belly dancing and am now part of a troupe. I love it. 

I know we've all heard this before, but we need to stick together as women. Do you really think those celebrities on magazine covers look like that all the time? Yeah, I didn't think so. We need to look deep inside ourselves and find that beautiful women waiting to get out. You are beautiful, you are worth something, you are loved. 

Coming back for round 2

You would think I'd have learned the first time, right? Well, I must like punishment. Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale started today. I got up and went to the mall for 7. What sane person does that? Really? When I get to the store, I was told I couldn't enter because I didn't have the angel credit card. I wouldn't want a credit card even if someone paid off all my debt and gave me one, no strings attatched. That's just stupid. Why am I made to feel like less of a person, nothing, really, because I don't have, need, or want a credit card? Why can't I shop like any other woman there this morning? Why do I contuine to let them make me feel like crap?I was going to spend a lot of money there is morning. Thanks, Victoria's Secret, for helping me save it.

Repost if you want :)

I've been gone a while. Disappeared. Gone. Gone. Gone.

I owe the apartment people a lot of money. They messed up on the rent but my contract says I should be paying $50 more than what I have been. It stresses me out. I have no idea how I'm going to make it work but I will.

Nothing much else is going on. Still stuck.

Taking an online discussion on this book. Hopefully, I find help, not only with my current relationship, but with those I have with other people.

That's all for now. Yeah, pretty boring...I know.

I'll give it another go

Taking a cue from suki, I think I'll give the daily self photo thing a try....AGAIN lol. I said that the beginning of the year, I was going to start a picture-a-day for a year on DailyBooth. It was going well for a day or two lol. I now have this neat photo app for my phone that I read about on Photojojo (the most awesomest photo website EVER!) I've been there almost every day since I've dicovered it. Such a great site. Y'all should check it out.

I'm trying to learn more about photography. My mom has been into photography for years. I even got her on the waiting list for a beginning photo class. It was suppose to be a birthday present but the class is very popular and fills up last.

Cute camera

I would love to try out this cute camera. If only they would send me one to review lol. In my dreams, right?

I also like the photojojo website. It's clean and easy to navigate.

Fallen Friday

I spent a lot of money yesterday. I bought a strapless bra at Dillards and had the lady meausure me again. I'm a 36 DDD or 38 DD. I just stood there looking at myself. I couldn't believe it. My friend Melissa told me about a website I can buy bras for nit so much money. That makes me happy. Yeah, the bigger you get, the more expensive bras are (as far as I've experienced.) I also went to makeup heaven, a.k.a Sephora, and spent a lot of money. I had to throw out all my old makeup because I hadn't used it well over a year, maybe even two. I bought BareMinerals, a Sephora eye shadow palette, Nars Orgasm multiple, tarte marcara and eyeliner. I know it's a lot of money but that doesn't happen very often.

My left ear has been bothering me. It feels like it's underwater or something. I hope I'm not getting sick. I'm so tired of beig sick.

So, I've cried three times since I've been at work. I feel so alone and isolated. I want to buy nice clothes and pretty dresses but have nowhere to go in them. I haven't been to knitting in months. I have bellydance class on Wednesday nights now. There are three ladies I don't know and two I do from the previous class. I felt really intmidated by the girl starting next to me. Blah. Tomorrow is the bridal shower and bachelorette party. We'll see how that goes. Hopefully, we will all have fun. I'm bringing my camera so there will be pics posted after.

Hope you all have a lovely Friday and great weekend.

For you and me and all the girls

The lovely Jeney over at Just a Lost Soul Swimmin' in a Fish Bowl is hosting a giveaway. Go read and enter.

I've had a problem with food, thought the opposite of the book. I love to eat. I'm from the South. It's what we do. We eat all the time for everything. We have festivals about food. I eat when I'm bored, lonely, anger and for no reason at all. I've watched my mom struggle when her weight my whole life. She has gastic bypass sugery last year and is doing fine with it. Last weekend, I tried on my new dresses for her. She asked what size they where and I told her. She then looked me and said "Too bad I can't wear them." To have your mom be a size smaller than your is a shock. That's never happened to me before. I think it's great for her. I'm happy that she's happy. She didn't make me feel bad about it or anything. I just felt so bad after she said that because that's what we do to ourselves. I'm not going to stop eating. I am going to try and figure this out. I have started trying to eat healthy. I need to do some soul searching and get to the bottom of why I feel this way.

I hope that we can all figure this out. I hope that we can all learn to love our bodies and souls. To feel better from the inside out.

Eyes closed

I can't run from it, no matter how hard I try. It's always there. The feeling of it against my skin, blood running down. I'm tired of it always being there. It was my choice. I brought this into my life. I feel like a fake, a phoney. I'm boring, lonely, pathetic. Nothing feels right, nothing is going right. I want to be part of something that matters. I want to make a difference. I feel like I'm wasting my time here.

Time to do it

I've been pretty down on myself lately and it just don't seem to be going away. I really need it too. It's doing nothing good for me.

The bridesmaid dresses came in today. It has really got me thinkning about working out and getting in shape. My sister says that once the dress is fitted to me, it will look fine. I just really don't like the dress but there's nothing I can do about it. It's not my wedding haha.

I've been thinking about joining a gym or getting P90X. A customer, a guy at that, told me that it was really hard but that he was in shape after the 90 days. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice?

Something we all need to do

So, I'm at work reading O, The Oprah Magazine when I came to the very
last page entitled 'This I Know for Sure.' All throughout the
magazine, she has articles about decluttering and cleaning up your
life/job/home, ect. No joke, there's a lady that has over $30,000
worth of beauty products and supplies.....just crazy!!!

One of the things she talks about on this page is your relationship to
yourself, to others and to your emotional life. Basically, make
decisions that are good for you, don't have people in your life that
bring you down and have patterns in your life that serve you. Out with
the old, in with the new, as the old saying goes.

I look at this list, as well as at my life, and want to put them into
practice. I just can't help but think I'll be lonley. I keep coming
back to this and it makes me mad. Why should I live this way?

Back up it goes

The wall.

The one I built around myself to protect me from people like you.

People who talk about me behind my back. People who shares my secrets told in confidence. People I thought I could trust.

That's no way to live, you say.

I know.

I don't want to live this way. You force me to. I let you destroy my soul, my self worth, my amazing, wonderful self. You take it away, little by little, until there is nothing left. You are slowly breaking me down.

You are slowly destroying me.

The question is not why do you do it to me but why do I let you?

Why do I let you destroy me?

About her

I don't like the fact that she doesn't tell us stuff but she'll let Monica everything. They had such a great summer together. Where were we? I'm tried of being told "I don't want to talk about", though I know it's a person's right to talk (or not to talk) about whatever they want with whomever they want. I asked her to walk in the breast cancer walk months ago. Instead of walking with me, she's going to walk with Oasis, which is great. I just wish she would walked with me. When she found I was kknitting, she said she was happy I found a hobby I like, even though I picked up knitting after belly dancing. She makes me not want to dance anymore.

I hate telling someone something, telling them not to tell anyone then finding out they go and tell someone. I know I'm rambling. I just feel like crap.

Now I know what not to do when planning a wedding

This is starting to be a nightmare. I just don't want to do it anymore. She's in a completely different state trying to plan a wedding. We've emailed, texted, called...still getting nothing. It's really hard to get things together when the bride gives you nothing.

To anyone thinking of living in one state and getting married in another, DON'T DO IT.

Back story: she's living in Oklahoma with her fiance because he works there. All of their family and friends live in Louisiana so they are having the wedding here.

I'm so over weddings. I have a cousin that is getting married on April 9th. Only parents, grandparents and siblings are invited to the ceremony. She's having her reception on the 10th and is not even wearing her wedding dress to the reception. I won't be able to go to the reception (not that I wanted to) because that is the day of Monica's bridal shower and bachelorette party. I say, if you're going to have a super small wedding like that, get married somewhere you're whole family doesn't live.

Over it. Really. I don't think I ever want to get married.